a man

Old 12-13-2007, 07:39 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: EastWenatchee,WA
Posts: 887
Default a man

(only a man would do this)

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 22nd Anniversary, and I was looking for a
little something "extra" for my wife.

I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse Affect
on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY

Long story short, I bought the device, and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-A batteries in the thing, and pushed the button. Nothing! I was

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a
metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to the Wife what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all THAT bad, with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner with my cat, Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions, and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie, (for only a fraction of a
second) and then thought better of it. She's such a sweet cat But, if I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I
did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms, and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would just be wasting the

All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; (pretty cute really, and loaded with
two little bitty, itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "NO
possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as if to say, "Don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't POSSIBLY hurt all that bad...

I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF
GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @[email protected]$$!%!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over, and over, and
over, and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal position, with tears in
my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of
caution: there is NO SUCH THING as a "one-second burst" , when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would
be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-%#&**%#... that hurt!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

(How did they up get there???)

My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return.
spib is offline  
Old 12-14-2007, 06:15 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: North Georgia "GODS COUNTRY"
Posts: 539

That is toooo good and to top it off he had a cat licking him...
lotsof454sss is offline  
Old 12-14-2007, 06:21 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: san antonio, texas
Posts: 1,233

man i bet you glued your fingers together when crazy glue first
came out, and as for your testicles, your cat ate them
signsbyesa is offline  
Old 12-14-2007, 07:20 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Tell City, IN
Posts: 356

ow that's some Funny S**T!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
us7race is offline  
Old 12-15-2007, 03:26 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Lenoir City Tennessee
Posts: 865

lookingaround is offline  

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