BEST JOKE YOU GOT...CLEAN.

Old 03-27-2011, 12:35 PM
  #171  
slowmotion
Senior Member
RACING JUNKIE
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Staunton, IL
Posts: 943
Default

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie
slowmotion is offline  
Old 03-27-2011, 12:39 PM
  #172  
slowmotion
Senior Member
RACING JUNKIE
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Staunton, IL
Posts: 943
Default

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had
all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"
slowmotion is offline  
Old 04-09-2011, 05:01 PM
  #173  
Ron612
Member
CRAFTSMAN
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Goodyear, AZ 85338
Posts: 62
Default The Arrogance of Authority

The Arrogance of Authority



A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

(I just love this part....)

"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"
Ron612 is offline  
Old 05-10-2011, 05:09 PM
  #174  
TheRabbit
Senior Member
RACING JUNKIE
 
TheRabbit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Augusta, Ga.
Posts: 2,295
Default

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.


While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.


Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.


Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.


The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
TheRabbit is offline  
Old 05-11-2011, 09:57 AM
  #175  
Scooterz
Senior Member
RACING JUNKIE
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: EUGENE,OR.
Posts: 3,402
Default

Good one!!
Scooterz is offline  
Old 05-17-2011, 06:00 PM
  #176  
mopar1968
Senior Member
RACING JUNKIE
 
mopar1968's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Abingdon,Virginia
Posts: 3,581
Default

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:



Mark
mopar1968 is offline  
Old 06-03-2011, 09:22 AM
  #177  
ajk
Senior Member
DYNO OPERATOR
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Wi
Posts: 522
Default

Last night 2 cops showed up at my door. One was holding a picture. He asked me is this your wife? I said yes it was. He then stated i am sorry to say but it looks like she has been hit by a bus. So i said i know but she has a great personality and is good with the kids..................
ajk is offline  
Old 06-03-2011, 10:49 AM
  #178  
482
Senior Member
EXPERT BUILDER
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 337
Default

Originally Posted by ajk
Last night 2 cops showed up at my door. One was holding a picture. He asked me is this your wife? I said yes it was. He then stated i am sorry to say but it looks like she has been hit by a bus. So i said i know but she has a great personality and is good with the kids..................

:lol: :lol: My wife wants this one to switch around. :shock: ops:
482 is offline  
Old 06-05-2011, 03:55 AM
  #179  
fla1976
Senior Member
RACING JUNKIE
 
fla1976's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,535
Default

During his first three years of marriage, Frank a big DIYer tackled several huge home-improvement projects. At first, Frank's wife Pat loved how their house had shaped up beautifully and without a great deal of cost.

But Pat gradually realized she was lonely and increasingly frustrated that she had, in effect, lost her man to his passion for projects. After Frank forgot their fourth anniversary, Pat announced that she had enrolled them in a Marriage Weekend.

During the weekend, Frank tried to listen to the instructor, but Pat noticed that he'd often nod off or doodle on project plans on the back of his handouts. "It's essential," said the instructor, "that spouses know what's important to each other. So men, can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Frank leaned over, touched Pat's arm gently and whispered, "Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn't it?"

Thus began Frank's life of celibacy.
fla1976 is offline  
Old 06-06-2011, 08:48 AM
  #180  
mcrracing1011
Junior Member
APPRENTICE
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 21
Default

what kind of cans are in mexico?

Mexicans
mcrracing1011 is offline  

Contact Us - Archive - Advertising - Cookie Policy - Privacy Statement - Terms of Service - Do Not Sell My Personal Information -