BEST JOKE YOU GOT...CLEAN.

Old 12-02-2009, 03:37 AM
  #101  
CamBirdRacing
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KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize thi s is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....
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Old 12-03-2009, 08:15 AM
  #102  
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Subject: Old Lady's Letter to Bank

Letter to Bank Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by
an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New
York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last
month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
presenting the
check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension,
an arrangement which,
I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended
for seizing that brief
window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused
me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and
letters, --- when I try to contact
you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless

entity which your bank
has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan
repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will
arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you

must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen
employee to complete.. I
am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him
or her as your bank knows
about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or
her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income,
debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In
due course, at MY
convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must
quote in dealings
with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled

it on the number of button
presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank
service. As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping #5. To transfer

the call to my toilet in
case I am attending to nature.

#6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home #7. To
leave a message on my
computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be
communicated to
you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put
on hold, pending the
attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
play for the duration
of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover
the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so
slightly less
prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman -YA JUST GOTTA
LOVE US SENIORS !!!!! )

And remember:
Don't make old People mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so
it doesn't take much to set us off.


IN GOD WE TRUST
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Old 12-08-2009, 07:03 PM
  #103  
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George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil
tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and
talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the
cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen
Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished
the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth
writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4
hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no
charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime. When Putin
hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the
USA free. The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA ,
the country has gone to hell, so naturally it's a local call."

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Old 12-09-2009, 03:42 AM
  #104  
CamBirdRacing
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RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
(This was actually reported by a teacher)

One year after Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they had spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona .
Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to make it look like grass.
They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardedment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too...
When I earn my retardedment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
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Old 12-10-2009, 05:52 AM
  #105  
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Jacob, age 92, and
Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida , are all excited about their
decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding,
and on the way they pass a drugstore.

Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
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Old 12-11-2009, 05:31 AM
  #106  
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DD that was cute!!
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Old 12-14-2009, 09:16 AM
  #107  
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A lawyer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by another store and picked up a couple of ducks and a goose for his lake.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The lawyer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my mansion is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a duck under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why, thank you very much," he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me."

"How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The lawyer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two ducks and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the ducks..."
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Old 12-22-2009, 03:55 AM
  #108  
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Tiger Woods Holiday Poem



Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house

Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.

She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,

Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.

He’d been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.

Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,

With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,

Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.

With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,

When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.

Despite all his cryin’ and beggin' and pleadin',

Tiger’s wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden .

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,

"If you’re gettin' laid then I’m gettin' paid."

She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,

Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.
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Old 12-22-2009, 04:24 AM
  #109  
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:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Old 12-22-2009, 06:23 AM
  #110  
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Default Tiger.....

It's near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

She thinks she'll have a little fun first.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these_itches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
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