BEST JOKE YOU GOT...CLEAN.
02-28-2013, 05:40 PM
#241
Senior Member
RACING JUNKIE
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Emmett, Idaho
Posts: 7,334
A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something a little more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘There’s no money in that account.’
‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’
See…….Not All Seniors Are Senile !
The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something a little more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘There’s no money in that account.’
‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’
See…….Not All Seniors Are Senile !
03-01-2013, 07:45 PM
#243
Senior Member
RACING JUNKIE
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Emmett, Idaho
Posts: 7,334
A guy is 82 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
08-05-2013, 02:23 PM
#244
Senior Member
RACING JUNKIE
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Augusta, Ga.
Posts: 2,276
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS
AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS
AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.
08-08-2013, 07:22 PM
#246
Administrator
RACING JUNKIE
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Greenville s.c.
Posts: 3,236
Guy meets Girl in bar..puts on his best line and ask her to leave with him. The Girl said I'm on my MENSTRULCYCLE and the Guy said thats O.K. I'll follow you I'm on my HONDA !!!! :shock:
__________________
Bjuice..
"I'M YOUR HUCKLEBERRY ! "
Bjuice..
"I'M YOUR HUCKLEBERRY ! "
08-18-2013, 06:06 PM
#248
Junior Member
SHOW GUEST
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 9
Yard bird.
I walked into the stockroom the other day and announced that they were having fried chicken in the lunchroom today. One of my co-workers says to me, "I don't eat no yard bird." Yard bird, what's yard bird I ask? And he says , "chicken." So I ask him how come he doesn't eat chicken? And he says, "Because I don't eat anything that eats with it's pecker!"
08-19-2013, 11:41 AM
#250
Senior Member
RACING JUNKIE
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Augusta, Ga.
Posts: 2,276
A doctor from Israel says, "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we can cut off a man's testicles, put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."
The German doctor comments, "Well, in Germany we take part of the brain out of one person, put it in another person's head, and in 4 weeks he's looking for work."
The Russian doctor says, "That's nothing. In Russia we take out half of the heart from one person and put it into another person's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The U.S. doctor answers immediately, "Listen, my colleagues. You are way behind the USA. About 5 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart and no balls....we made him President of the United States and now, the whole country is looking for work!!"
The German doctor comments, "Well, in Germany we take part of the brain out of one person, put it in another person's head, and in 4 weeks he's looking for work."
The Russian doctor says, "That's nothing. In Russia we take out half of the heart from one person and put it into another person's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The U.S. doctor answers immediately, "Listen, my colleagues. You are way behind the USA. About 5 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart and no balls....we made him President of the United States and now, the whole country is looking for work!!"