BEST JOKE YOU GOT...CLEAN.
12-28-2011, 07:58 AM
#202
Senior Member
RACING JUNKIE
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Emmett, Idaho
Posts: 7,334
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed,
saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said,
"No son, I don't dance.... never really wanted to"
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,
"Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off,
started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody standing around was laughing..
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing,
holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule,
pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;
"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir.... but.... I've always wanted to"
There are a few lessons for all of us here:
*Don't be arrogant.
*Don't waste ammunition.
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*Always make sure you know who is in control...
*And finally, Don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid....
The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed,
saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said,
"No son, I don't dance.... never really wanted to"
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,
"Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off,
started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody standing around was laughing..
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing,
holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule,
pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;
"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir.... but.... I've always wanted to"
There are a few lessons for all of us here:
*Don't be arrogant.
*Don't waste ammunition.
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*Always make sure you know who is in control...
*And finally, Don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid....
01-10-2012, 07:29 AM
#203
Senior Member
RACING JUNKIE
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Clarksville, TN
Posts: 1,922
I stole this one off another website I am on........
With the Euro plummeting like a stone, the Ford Motor Corporation has announced that it is to acquire French state-owned Automobiles Renault.
Engineering teams from the two companies have already joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault “Clio” and the Ford “Taurus”, they have designed the “Clitaurus”. It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real ***** to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you simply can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and their curb weight typically increases with age. The manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
With the Euro plummeting like a stone, the Ford Motor Corporation has announced that it is to acquire French state-owned Automobiles Renault.
Engineering teams from the two companies have already joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault “Clio” and the Ford “Taurus”, they have designed the “Clitaurus”. It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real ***** to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you simply can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and their curb weight typically increases with age. The manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
01-13-2012, 03:48 AM
#205
Senior Member
DYNO OPERATOR
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Wi
Posts: 522
One that you can even tell the kid.....
The Talking Centipede
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use as his house.
... He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me?"
This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time!
I'm putting my shoes on!"
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use as his house.
... He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me?"
This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time!
I'm putting my shoes on!"
02-04-2012, 04:15 PM
#206
Senior Member
RACING JUNKIE
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Emmett, Idaho
Posts: 7,334
'Guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender!
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey."
The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space, exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . .. So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey."
Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers
The guy leaves, but finds this very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about “50."
The robot leans in real close and says,
"So, . . . you people still happy with Barack Obama?"
