BEST JOKE YOU GOT...CLEAN.
11-08-2009, 01:04 PM
#72
Senior Member
RACING JUNKIE
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Augusta, Ga.
Posts: 2,276
I lost it when judge #3 said "I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone."
I've been there before. I love hot food and have a dip I make and hardly anybody will eat it because it's so hot. GOOOD, but man it can hurt the next day.
Jimmy Dean Hot sausage, brown it and remove from the pan and drain grease,
melt 2 things of philadelphia cream cheese,
add sausage to it and add 1 can of EXTRA HOT ROTEL, stir until mixed up well and hot.
Eat hot or cooled off with Doritos( my fav) or tortia chips.
If you don't like hot food make it out of mild sausage and regular rotel.
I'm serious this stuff gets hotter the next day too!! I LOVE IT
I've been there before. I love hot food and have a dip I make and hardly anybody will eat it because it's so hot. GOOOD, but man it can hurt the next day.
Jimmy Dean Hot sausage, brown it and remove from the pan and drain grease,
melt 2 things of philadelphia cream cheese,
add sausage to it and add 1 can of EXTRA HOT ROTEL, stir until mixed up well and hot.
Eat hot or cooled off with Doritos( my fav) or tortia chips.
If you don't like hot food make it out of mild sausage and regular rotel.
I'm serious this stuff gets hotter the next day too!! I LOVE IT
11-08-2009, 01:16 PM
#73
Senior Member
RACING JUNKIE
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Augusta, Ga.
Posts: 2,276
Why I fired my secretary.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that
morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought...Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok," I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there...On the couch...
Naked.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that
morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought...Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok," I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there...On the couch...
Naked.
11-09-2009, 03:27 AM
#76
Senior Member
DYNO OPERATOR
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 510
> Found on the Refrigerator One Morning
>
>
>
> To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be Upset----I shall be home before midnight.*
>
>
>
>
> When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table.
>
>
>
> To My Dear Husband,
>
>
> I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
>
>
> about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
>
>
> remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math
>
>
> teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
>
>
> read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
>
>
> students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
>
>
> and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
>
>
> As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
>
>
> will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
>
>
> difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
>
>
> Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.*
>
>
>
> To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be Upset----I shall be home before midnight.*
>
>
>
>
> When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table.
>
>
>
> To My Dear Husband,
>
>
> I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
>
>
> about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
>
>
> remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math
>
>
> teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
>
>
> read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
>
>
> students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
>
>
> and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
>
>
> As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
>
>
> will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
>
>
> difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
>
>
> Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.*
11-09-2009, 03:27 AM
#77
Senior Member
DYNO OPERATOR
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 510
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk..
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk..
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)
11-11-2009, 04:14 PM
#79
Senior Member
RACING JUNKIE
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Augusta, Ga.
Posts: 2,276
Fellow Business Executives:
As the CFO of this business that employs 140 people, I have resigned
myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and
that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way because he wanted to make a change.
To compensate for these increases, I figure that the Clients will have
to see an increase in our fees to them of about 8% but since we cannot
increase our fees right now due to the dismal state of our economy, we
will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been
eating at me for a while, as we believe we are family here and I didn't
know how to choose who will have to go.
So, this is what I did. I strolled thru our parking lot and found 8
Obama bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these
folks will be the first to be laid off. I can't think of a more fair way
to approach this problem. These folks wanted change; I gave it to them.
If you have a better idea, let me know.
As the CFO of this business that employs 140 people, I have resigned
myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and
that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way because he wanted to make a change.
To compensate for these increases, I figure that the Clients will have
to see an increase in our fees to them of about 8% but since we cannot
increase our fees right now due to the dismal state of our economy, we
will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been
eating at me for a while, as we believe we are family here and I didn't
know how to choose who will have to go.
So, this is what I did. I strolled thru our parking lot and found 8
Obama bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these
folks will be the first to be laid off. I can't think of a more fair way
to approach this problem. These folks wanted change; I gave it to them.
If you have a better idea, let me know.