BEST JOKE YOU GOT...CLEAN. [Archive]

TheRabbit

10-04-2009, 07:26 AM

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and
children.

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an
ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching
children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before
they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are
you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

DirkaDirka

10-04-2009, 08:00 AM

That was a good one Rabbit :lol: :lol: :lol: :twisted:

nofear57

10-04-2009, 03:42 PM

http://www.westcoastpromods.com/forum/images/smilies/hysteria.gif
Rabbit....I found him on the www.westcoastpromods.com forum

CamBirdRacing

10-05-2009, 03:32 AM

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying
to gather more support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is
from President Bush's home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a
southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing
around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them
circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called,
but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well Sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're
called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the
back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he
stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of
this country to call their President a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool
them flies, though."

MEMRACING62

10-05-2009, 03:35 AM

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Scooterz

10-05-2009, 03:20 PM

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: I wish I had a funny joke, but I am not good at them. I think it is the ADD w/ the "H' (can't focus).... anyways, good stuff folks.

wait....what were we talking about???

TheYellaBrick

10-05-2009, 04:52 PM

X2, Scoot ! I can't play a lick of music or remember a single joke, But I can dance like crazy and laugh even crazier !! :D :D :D :D

TheRabbit

10-05-2009, 05:12 PM

Jokes. I've got hundreds of 'em. You think you can do a burn out?? I promise you you aint got nothing on Abdulla!! I laugh so hard it hurts every time I watch this!

Jokhttp://s165.photobucket.com/albums/u60/ar_ep/?

Here's another joke.

Three women: one engaged, one mistress, and one married, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes...After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long."

The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night."
The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.
My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"

CamBirdRacing

10-06-2009, 03:25 AM

FWD racing.

CamBirdRacing

10-06-2009, 03:26 AM

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little
crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his
Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this ..)

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

CamBirdRacing

10-06-2009, 03:26 AM

I thought about the sixty million dollar a year business I ran with 1800
employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos,
pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their
spouse, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in
the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter
with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree,
Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and
something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program
within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything
except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to
live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost
every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that
in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [itâ€™s red] phone I am
supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at
Barnes and Nobles talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards
was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and
got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside
was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every
10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think
that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She
would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next
light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the
cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy,
the GSP lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless
phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still havenâ€™t
figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around
digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry
baskets when the phone ring.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every
time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on
something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check
out just knocks me for a loop.

I bought some of those cloth re-usable bags to avoid looking confused but
never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just
say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then itâ€˜s their turn to
stare at me with a blank look.
__________________

bluegrassjh

10-06-2009, 06:41 AM

lmao

fla1976

10-07-2009, 01:17 PM

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would
come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact.

"Marion .... Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful!
What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then
it's off to the golf course .. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun
and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch
(you'd be proud - lots of greens)
another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex
the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night.
I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob you must be in Heaven!"
"Not exactly ..... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona"

MEMRACING62

10-07-2009, 02:56 PM

man...... now i want to be a rabbit!! :lol: :lol:

TheRabbit

10-07-2009, 04:27 PM

There is only 1 Rabbit!! :wink: :lol:

bluegrassjh

10-08-2009, 06:17 AM

There is only 1 Rabbit!! :wink: :lol: Well...according to the joke their must be two. And from the way the joke goes...I don't think I'd want to be the second rabbit. :lol: :twisted: :lol:

DirkaDirka

10-09-2009, 04:07 PM

Well i might get a lot of slack for htis but this is for the Chevy guys.........

Q: How do you double the value of a Chevy?
A: Put gas in it.

Q: How is a golf ball different from a Chevy?
A: You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.

Q: Why are there sidewalks beside streets?
A: So Chevy owners have a safe place to walk home.

Q: How much wood could a GM truck haul if a GM truck could haul wood?
A: As much as the Ford towing it.

Q. Why do Chevys have magnetized bumpers
A. To pick up the parts that fall off other Chevys

Q. How do you make a Chevy accelerate 0-60 mph in less than 15 seconds?
A. Push it off a cliff.

Q. What is found on the last two pages of every Chevy's owners manual?
A. The bus schedule.

Q. What did the auto parts counterman say when the customer said, "I'll take a set of wiper blades for my Chevy"?
A. Sounds like a fair trade.

Q. What do you call a Chevy at the top of a hill?
A. A miracle?

Q. What do you call two Chevy's at the top of a hill?
A. A mirage.

Q. What do you call a Chevy with brakes?
A. Customized.

Q.How do you make a Chevy go faster down hill?
A. Turn the engine off.

Q. Why don't Chevy's sustain much damage in front end collisions?
A. The tow truck takes most of the impact.

Q. What do you call Chevy passengers?
A. Shock absorbers.

Q. How do you improve the appearance of a Chevy?
A. Park it between two Fords

Q. Whats the difference between a Chevy and a shopping cart?
A. A shopping cart is easier to push.

Q. Why did GM put heaters in the tailgates of their new trucks?
A. To keep their hands warm when they are pushing the truck into the shop

Q. Why are the new GM trucks more aerodynamic?
A. So they will save the Fords gas when the Ford tows them away.

Q. What did the Ford say to the Chevy?
A. Would you like a tow home?

Q. How can they improve the new Chevy truck?
A. Put a Ford engine in it.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To push his Chevy into the shop

Q. Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
A. Because his Silverado got stuck.

Q. Why are the Chevy dealerships giving away a dog with every purchase
A. So the owners have someone to walk home with.

CHEVROLET= Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques
CHEVROLET= Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips.
CHEVROLET= Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time.
CHEVROLET= Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time.
CHEVROLET= Can Hear Every Valve Rattle, Oil Leaks, Engine Ticks.
CHEVROLET= Cheap Heavy Equipment, Very Rusty, Overly Loved, Eventually Towed
CHEVY= Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet
GMC= Garage Man's Companion
GMC= Garbage Manufacturing Company
GMC= Gotta Mechanic Coming
GMC= Gay Mans Chariot
GM= General Mistake
GM= Glued Metal

DirkaDirka

10-09-2009, 04:11 PM

And I cant leave MOPAR out of it. So here ya go ...........

MOPAR.............

Most Often Parked At Roadside
Move Over, Power Approaching Rapidly
My Old Pig Ain't Runnin'
Move Over People Are Racing
Mostly Old Parts And Rust
Motor On Pavement After Race
Moments Of Power Are Rare

TheRabbit

10-09-2009, 05:12 PM

Ford
Fixed or Repaird Daily
Found On Road Dead

Chevrolet

Climbs Hills, Eats Vegas, Runs Over Little Etty Trucks. ( Like Fords)

I had a friend that had a tattoo of an F150 on his calf. It leaked oil all over his foot!!

DirkaDirka

10-09-2009, 05:19 PM

FORD.......

First On Race Day

Freakin Okies Really Dig'em

FullTimeRacing

10-09-2009, 06:27 PM

:roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :arrow:

Ron612

10-10-2009, 01:12 PM

DUE TO RECENT ECONOMIC CONDITIONS, AND THE RISING COST OF ELECTRICITY, GAS AND OIL, THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL HAS BEEN TURNED OFF.

WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.

Ron612

10-10-2009, 01:21 PM

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She
> notice the man opposite her was smiling at her. She
> immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile
> turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man
> seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man
> burst out laughing she complained to the driver and he
> had the man arrested.
>
> The case came up in court.
>
> The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he
> had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your
> Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus,
> I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat
> down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins
> are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat
> under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will
> reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she
> placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
> 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could
> hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She
> moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
> 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this
> Accident'... I just lost it.'
>
> CASE DISMISSED! :lol:

CamBirdRacing

10-14-2009, 05:23 AM

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I
> heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make
> sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single
> wire along the top of the fence.
>
> Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26
> miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet
> into the ground. The ground rod is the key, the more you have in the
> ground, the better the fence works.
>
>
> One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push
> mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact
> that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and
> reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
>
> It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all...
>
> Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and
> the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is
> about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow
> on fire on the cover.
>
> Time stood still.
>
> The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of
> my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition
> firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton
> rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with
> the engine.
>
> It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were
> fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
>
> Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to
> differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
> different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
> bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and
> BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were
> minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like
> exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
>
> At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the
> fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go.
> I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always
> had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were
> like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
>
> This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting
> signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this
> point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the
> lawnmower runs out of gas.
>
>
>
>
> 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
>
> Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
> run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered
> in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh please die...
> Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely
> and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go
> command from its owner's right foot.
>
> I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on
> the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was
> later on in the day and I was sunburned.
>
> There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then
> another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the
> ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the
> resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
>
> Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
>
> 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
>
> 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
> (not the left, just the right).
>
> 3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you
> might think.
>
> 4- My left eye will not open.
>
> 5- My right eye will not close.
>
> 6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little
> session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better
> than new after that.
>
> 7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
>
> 8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the
> number 4 (still don't understand this???).
>
> That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
> appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
> sure the fence is unplugged before I mow....
>
> The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can
> clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me
> a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check
> before I mow

TheYellaBrick

10-14-2009, 08:51 AM

THAT is PRICELESS !!! :shock: :shock: :shock:

fla1976

10-14-2009, 03:35 PM

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.

Today is my first day driving a cab . . . . . . I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

CamBirdRacing

10-16-2009, 03:36 AM

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase 'You Gotta Be Chitin Me'?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father Of Our Country, way back when George Washington was
crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 in Washington's boat.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters
and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.

Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail.

All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal
had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted.

He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said,
'General, I see lights ahead.'

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of â€œIll Reputeâ€, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise
stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have
come to the right place.. We can surely give you warmth and comfort.
How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be chitin me.'

CamBirdRacing

10-16-2009, 06:50 AM

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8.. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27... attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring alcohol

bluegrassjh

10-16-2009, 08:03 AM

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring alcohol

3. And her friend :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

CamBirdRacing

10-16-2009, 11:36 AM

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ' pullets, ' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. John ' s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch ' s bell hadn ' t rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To John ' s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak,so it couldn ' t ring. He ' d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren ' t paying attention.

Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.

fla1976

10-16-2009, 12:55 PM

Excellent :lol: :lol: :lol:

CamBirdRacing

10-19-2009, 03:12 AM

After I retired, my wife Pat insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Walmart . Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like
most women - she loves to browse..

Today my dear wife received the following letter from our local
Target.

Dear Mrs. Meeker

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.
Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3.. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows
and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were
called..

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 12: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through,yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 14: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 18: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One
of the clerks passed out.

bluegrassjh

10-19-2009, 03:57 PM

LMAO...sounds like me. :lol: :twisted: :lol:

TheYellaBrick

10-19-2009, 05:35 PM

I'm gonna show this to my new crew chief so she'll know what's ahead !! :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

CamBirdRacing

10-21-2009, 09:34 AM

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints Submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. Read the gripe sheet below....the humor is priceless...!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit

S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And I saved the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

DirkaDirka

10-21-2009, 09:44 AM

Man Cambird those are good. :lol: :lol: :lol: :twisted:

CamBirdRacing

10-21-2009, 11:24 AM

I work for a gov contractor at NASA in Houston, need a laugh every now and then. :D

CamBirdRacing

10-22-2009, 03:11 AM

Tic-Tac-Toe game

http://stuff.pyzam.com/toys/tictacscare.swf

CamBirdRacing

10-22-2009, 03:12 AM

How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
And all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
What was going on.....

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

CamBirdRacing

10-22-2009, 03:22 AM

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

CamBirdRacing

10-22-2009, 03:28 AM

The South - You Gotta Love It

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck."Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Louisiana

A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying .. "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied, "He'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."
Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep", he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."

You can say what you want about the South,
But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.

CamBirdRacing

10-22-2009, 09:49 AM

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sampl e?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law..

CamBirdRacing

10-27-2009, 03:20 AM

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One has a boyfriend, one is engaged, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.

We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

The girlfriend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

My engaged friend:
Me too! The other night I met my fiancÃ© and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
'What's for dinner, Batman?'

CamBirdRacing

10-27-2009, 03:21 AM

Boudreaux & Band-Aids
(that's pronounced BOO-drow, for y'all not familiar with Lew-si-ana )

Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?"

Boudreaux said, "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?"

"Well," Clotile said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly...... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror

fla1976

10-27-2009, 04:19 PM

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

TheRabbit

10-27-2009, 05:21 PM

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below:

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

A female friend of mine read this and said "it's sad, but more women have balls then men". :shock:

fla1976

10-28-2009, 01:30 AM

A detective story

So Pay Close Attention!!!?

Three ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game. They smuggle a bottle into the ball park. The game is very exciting and they enjoy themselves immensely mixing Jack Daniel's with their soft drinks.

Soon they realize that the bottle is almost empty and the game still has a lot of innings to go. Based on the given information, what inning is it, and how many players are on base??

Now think

Think some more!!

You're gonna love this....

Answer:?

It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded!

:shock:

TheYellaBrick

10-28-2009, 08:53 AM

:shock: :shock: :shock: Getting a little risque aren't we ? :D :D

CamBirdRacing

10-29-2009, 05:42 AM

I know everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which sex you are.
This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a

Woman

In a brand new
Cadillac

Doing 65 mph

With her
Face up next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds !

And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,

Still working on that makeup.

As a man,

I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much;
I dropped

My electric shaver ,

Which knocked

The donut

Out of my other hand. !

In all The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car

Using my knees against
The steering wheel,

It knocked

My Cell Phone

Away from my ear

Which fell

Into the coffee

Between my legs!

Splashed,

And burned

Big Jim and the Twins,

Ruined the damn phone,

Soaked my trousers,

And disconnected an
Important call...

Damn women drivers

TheRabbit

11-06-2009, 12:17 PM

I stole this from another forum today.

New Mexico Chilli cook off.

ote: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI #4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.

DirkaDirka

11-06-2009, 12:39 PM

Rabbit thank you. I my chest hurts from laughing too much.

TheYellaBrick

11-06-2009, 06:11 PM

DD# 1- no report. Died laughing.

lively

11-06-2009, 08:20 PM

Rabbit--------------i just about fell on the floor reading this :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

i love chilli :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
LIVELY

TheRabbit

11-08-2009, 01:04 PM

I lost it when judge #3 said "I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone."

I've been there before. I love hot food and have a dip I make and hardly anybody will eat it because it's so hot. GOOOD, but man it can hurt the next day.

Jimmy Dean Hot sausage, brown it and remove from the pan and drain grease,

melt 2 things of philadelphia cream cheese,

add sausage to it and add 1 can of EXTRA HOT ROTEL, stir until mixed up well and hot.
Eat hot or cooled off with Doritos( my fav) or tortia chips.

If you don't like hot food make it out of mild sausage and regular rotel.

I'm serious this stuff gets hotter the next day too!! I LOVE IT

TheRabbit

11-08-2009, 01:16 PM

Why I fired my secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that
morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought...Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok," I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there...On the couch...
Naked.

DirkaDirka

11-08-2009, 02:10 PM

:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

mopar1968

11-08-2009, 06:19 PM

''LITTLEROD'' :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

''JUST MY TWO CENT'S WORTH''

CamBirdRacing

11-09-2009, 03:27 AM

> Found on the Refrigerator One Morning
>
>
>
> To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be Upset----I shall be home before midnight.*
>
>
>
>
> When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table.
>
>
>
> To My Dear Husband,
>
>
> I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
>
>
> about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
>
>
> remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math
>
>
> teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
>
>
> read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
>
>
> students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
>
>
> and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
>
>
> As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
>
>
> will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
>
>
> difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
>
>
> Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.*

CamBirdRacing

11-09-2009, 03:27 AM

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk..

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)

bluegrassjh

11-11-2009, 03:02 PM

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!

TheRabbit

11-11-2009, 04:14 PM

Fellow Business Executives:

As the CFO of this business that employs 140 people, I have resigned

myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and

that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way because he wanted to make a change.

To compensate for these increases, I figure that the Clients will have

to see an increase in our fees to them of about 8% but since we cannot

increase our fees right now due to the dismal state of our economy, we

will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been

eating at me for a while, as we believe we are family here and I didn't

know how to choose who will have to go.

So, this is what I did. I strolled thru our parking lot and found 8

Obama bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these

folks will be the first to be laid off. I can't think of a more fair way

to approach this problem. These folks wanted change; I gave it to them.

If you have a better idea, let me know.

lively

11-11-2009, 05:59 PM

RABBIT----THAT IS A GREAT IDEA!!!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

TheYellaBrick

11-12-2009, 09:34 AM

I LOVE IT !!
Most of them will be Subaru Outback wagons.... :roll: :roll: :roll:

fla1976

11-14-2009, 03:34 PM

An old cowboy sat down at Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning barns, driving herds, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

CamBirdRacing

11-16-2009, 03:37 AM

A Mother's Wisdom

HOW TRUE !!!! TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS....

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate,
Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic
relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more
curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started
to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________ ________

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not
saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian
__________________________________________________ ________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
__________________________________________________ __

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you
'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY -

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

TheRabbit

11-16-2009, 03:27 PM

:shock: Cute. Sounds like he has the same Mom I do :shock:

Hey this reminds me of something. Do you know what a spatula is??
Now don't go looking it up!! How do you pronounce it? spa-tul-a.

It's a spat-u-la. My high school girlfriends mom had it on a small grocery list for her Dad. NOBODY in the store knew what it was. They had to go ask the Mgr what a spa-tula was!! We cried we laughed so hard.

fbodyjunkie

11-16-2009, 03:55 PM

Grandson comes home 1 day and asks his grandmother, "Have you seen my pills"? They have LSD marked on them. Grandmother says,"Screw your pills! Have you seen the freaking dragon in the kitchen".

CamBirdRacing

11-17-2009, 04:33 AM

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no
actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the
money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I
had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have
nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only
hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the
same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was
opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your
gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a
very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

CamBirdRacing

11-17-2009, 04:34 AM

2009 Joke Of The Year
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar,
smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'

CamBirdRacing

11-17-2009, 04:34 AM

Senior health care solution--according to Maxine

Senior Health Care Solution
So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. Your are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered..
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!

CamBirdRacing

11-17-2009, 04:34 AM

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................

CamBirdRacing

11-17-2009, 04:34 AM

The Latest Collection.

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree and think 25-to-life would be appropriate.
**********************

America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
**********************

Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
**********************

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
**********************

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
**********************

If Nancy Pelosi has her face lifted one more time she'll have a beard!
**********************

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has legal papers

CamBirdRacing

11-17-2009, 04:35 AM

Three iron workers working on the 71st floor of a new building stop for lunch.

The first opens his pail only to find pasta yet again. Says to the other two, "If I get this again I am gonna jump to my death".

The second worker opens his bag lunch only to find peanut butter & jam sandwiches for the third time that week. He too says, " If I get this tomorrow I'm jumping also".

The third worker looks at his lunch only to find cold meat & cheese yet again. Shaking his head he too says "If it happens again tomorrow I am going off too"

So the following day the same iron workers sit down to eat their lunch.
First one opens his pail only too find pasta. Immediately he plunges to his death.
The second worker slowly opens his lunch only to find peanut butter & jam sandwiches He too quickly jumps off.
The third finds cold meat & cheese. Shaking his head jumps to his demise.

At the funeral days later the three widows gather together to talk of their husbands.

First one says " what a shame he was a good husband & father. If I only knew".

Second widow says, "what a shame he was so good to me". I was completely unaware".

Third widow says, "shame, I'll say its a shame,he makes his own lunch"

CamBirdRacing

11-19-2009, 03:31 AM

The Importance of Walking!!

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend
an additional 5 months in a nursing home
at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we
don't know where the hell he is..

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year ...
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
.....'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......
..... just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

.... and

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour, and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends.......
But just e-mail it to them!

CamBirdRacing

11-19-2009, 06:43 AM

One hot summer day, a blond came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? The blond said it was hers

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blond replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blond. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

The blond looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.

CamBirdRacing

11-19-2009, 09:24 AM

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley '

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over..'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

CamBirdRacing

11-19-2009, 11:08 AM

A border patrol officer was doing is rounds at the international fence when he came across an illegal that had just entered the U.S. The agent stopped him and toldhim we could do this the hard way or the easy way. The hard way being the agent arrest him, book him and throw him in jail for a couple of months, then have to ship him back across the border. Or the easyway, just jump back across the fenca and be home free. The illegal pleaded " oh my patrol man, I have to stay in the U.S. The violence is just horrible over there.
The patrol agent thought for a couple of minutes. Told the illegal if you can use the words "green, pink and yellow" in the same sentence, then I will let you stay. The illegal thought about it for a few more minutes and then said "The telephone went green, green, green. Then I pinked it up and said yellow".

CamBirdRacing

11-19-2009, 11:32 AM

Honk if you love Jesus

Text while driving if you want to meet him

TheYellaBrick

11-19-2009, 11:38 AM

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?)
You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment. "I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

CamBirdRacing

11-30-2009, 02:34 PM

What Kids Know About the Ocean

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.

(Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean you are an Island . If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne , age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson . She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men, a woman and some
pots and comes back with crabs. ( Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off
eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always
crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers at night.

(Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes
my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers
can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.

(Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired
right up her ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown
I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)

CamBirdRacing

11-30-2009, 02:35 PM

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up.
One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.
Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck.
The other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?" "Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

CamBirdRacing

12-02-2009, 03:37 AM

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a Huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra....No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts...Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom..
'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the fucking dishes!!!

CamBirdRacing

12-02-2009, 03:37 AM

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize thi s is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....

CamBirdRacing

12-03-2009, 08:15 AM

Subject: Old Lady's Letter to Bank

Letter to Bank Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by
an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New
York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last
month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
presenting the
check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension,
an arrangement which,
I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended
for seizing that brief
window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused
me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and
letters, --- when I try to contact
you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless

entity which your bank
has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan
repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will
arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you

must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen
employee to complete.. I
am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him
or her as your bank knows
about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or
her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income,
debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In
due course, at MY
convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must
quote in dealings
with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled

it on the number of button
presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank
service. As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping #5. To transfer

the call to my toilet in
case I am attending to nature.

#6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home #7. To
leave a message on my
computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be
communicated to
you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put
on hold, pending the
attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
play for the duration
of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover
the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so
slightly less
prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman -YA JUST GOTTA
LOVE US SENIORS !!!!! )

And remember:
Don't make old People mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so
it doesn't take much to set us off.

IN GOD WE TRUST

TheYellaBrick

12-08-2009, 07:03 PM

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil
tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and
talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the
cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen
Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished
the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth
writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4
hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no
charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime. When Putin
hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the
USA free. The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA ,
the country has gone to hell, so naturally it's a local call."

CamBirdRacing

12-09-2009, 03:42 AM

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
(This was actually reported by a teacher)

One year after Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they had spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona .
Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to make it look like grass.
They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardedment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too...
When I earn my retardedment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

TheYellaBrick

12-10-2009, 05:52 AM

Jacob, age 92, and
Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida , are all excited about their
decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding,
and on the way they pass a drugstore.

Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

TheRabbit

12-11-2009, 05:31 AM

DD that was cute!!

oldandtired

12-14-2009, 09:16 AM

A lawyer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by another store and picked up a couple of ducks and a goose for his lake.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The lawyer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my mansion is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a duck under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why, thank you very much," he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me."

"How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The lawyer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two ducks and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the ducks..."

TheRabbit

12-22-2009, 03:55 AM

Tiger Woods Holiday Poem

Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house

Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.

She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,

Cause a bimboâ€™s phone number was in his Blackberry.

Heâ€™d been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.

Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

Heâ€™d been cheatinâ€™ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,

With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,

Tigerâ€™s sad sordid tale was all over the news.

With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,

When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.

Despite all his cryinâ€™ and beggin' and pleadin',

Tigerâ€™s wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden .

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,

"If youâ€™re gettin' laid then Iâ€™m gettin' paid."

Sheâ€™s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,

Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.

MEMRACING62

12-22-2009, 04:24 AM

:lol: :lol: :lol:

TheYellaBrick

12-22-2009, 06:23 AM

It's near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

She thinks she'll have a little fun first.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these_itches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

TheYellaBrick

12-22-2009, 06:25 AM

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers.. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

TheYellaBrick

01-08-2010, 01:58 PM

This is for you dirty old men......

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper...
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'
'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says appily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the
counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk
this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put
my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets
the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go
ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to
feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am ?

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how
could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.' :shock: :shock:
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

TheRabbit

01-09-2010, 06:53 AM

Here is a new thought for you.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like
this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more
than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone
wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What
makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help
you answer these questions:

> If:
>
> A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
>
> Is represented as:
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23
> 24 25 26.
>
> Then:
>
> H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
>
> 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
>
> And
>
> K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
>
> 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
>
> But ,
>
> A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
>
> 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
>
> And,
>
> B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
>
> 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
>
> AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
>
> A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
>
> 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
>
> So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that
> While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and
> Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass
> kissing that will put you over the top.

gnsrule

01-10-2010, 02:01 AM

A mad scientist was looking for some brains for a project he was working on and went down to the mad scientist store to get a few ounces of brains for the project. When he got to the brain deli counter he saw Operating Engineers brains were going for $1 an oz, Carpenters brains were $10 an oz and labors brains were $100 an oz.
Confused over the priceing he asked the clerk to explain the priceing. Surely there must be a mix up. How do you explain a Laborers brains priced so high ? The clerk replied, Do you know how many Laborers it takes to get an oz. of brains ?

Ron612

01-10-2010, 02:47 PM

WARNING : ONLY Read This Once You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'... He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store. :oops:

Ron612

01-11-2010, 02:12 PM

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary
submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.. The
effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety....??
WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA
batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit
I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against
a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertisedâ€¦ Am I
wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, andâ€¦

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room..

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be
considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was..

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbsâ€¦ I
had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was goneâ€¦ I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair.. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!

P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and
now regularly threatens me with it!

TheYellaBrick

01-13-2010, 07:56 AM

THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY
....

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts
into her Grandpa's room ........

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes
into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you
croak, we're all going to Disney Land !"

TheYellaBrick

01-13-2010, 08:01 AM

LOLOLOL the Tazer story is GREAT doby !!

DRAGSTER3365

01-13-2010, 06:22 PM

President Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.

In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.

The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all.

Barack chugged down the liquid and replied, 'Yuck! That tasted like bull sh-t!'

The doctor replied, "It was, you were a quart low.

chevyfireball

01-14-2010, 02:10 AM

The other day the wife said to me, "I want breast implants, my boobs are just too small"

I says to her, " Rub a couple of pieces of toilet paper between your boobs once or twice a day and they'll gradually get bigger"

She looked at me kinda funny, "Don't be ridiculous, that won't work"

I glanced back as I headed for the door, "Well it sure as hell worked on your ass"

TheYellaBrick

01-14-2010, 08:07 AM

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan." This
is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot
tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I
want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and
this Christian Family.'

No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face
me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and
in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your
transgression.' Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop
traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible
misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux
Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard
under the sheets.'

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation
roared.

TheYellaBrick

02-03-2010, 11:43 AM

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A Republican Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?

TheYellaBrick

02-03-2010, 11:45 AM

When you're from the country ~ you look at things a little differently...

A Mississippi rancher got into his pickup truck, drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door.
A young boy, about 9 years old, opened the door.
"Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Pa."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Pa."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Pa."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

TheYellaBrick

02-04-2010, 05:27 PM

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:

MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them..

TheYellaBrick

02-04-2010, 05:35 PM

RE: Health Care Proposal

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Obama health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves..

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the proposal was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

This phlebotomist will draw her own conclusion...

TheYellaBrick

02-09-2010, 07:59 AM

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely. :shock: :oops: :oops: :D :D :D :D

slowmotion

02-09-2010, 09:14 AM

Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?

Because if they fell forward, they would still be in the boat. :roll: :lol:

midsouthhotrods

02-09-2010, 09:40 AM

Murphy's wife borrowed his car and parked in the supermarket car park. Just as she came out laden with shopping, she saw a young lad break into the car, hot wire it and drive off. Naturally she reported the matter to the police.' What did he look like?, the sergeant asked. 'I don't know she replied, but I got the licence plate'.

oldandtired

02-15-2010, 07:40 AM

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Speaker Pelosi. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?

Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."

zipper06

02-16-2010, 09:13 PM

I'm not very good at this, unless i'm reminded of jokes while everyone is telling them.
But i'll give it a try.

This young couple living together, and the boyfriend has to work on sat. morning, so the girlfriend decides to go to some yard sales. At one yard sale she spys a beautiful bathroom door mirrow. She approaches the lady who having the yard sale and the lady tells her it's a very special mirrow, and magic. They agree on a price of $20.00 and the young girl takes it home and hangs it on the bathroom door. It being a particularly hot humid day she decides to take a shower before the boyfriend gets home from work.
No believing any of the magic stuff, but she decides to try it out. So she stands nekid in front of the mirrow and says mirrow,mirrow on the door make my boobs 44, low and behold her boobs started growing to the full 44"s. WoW! this was exciting. She was so excited that after her shower she decide to sit on the living room couch with her top off until her boyfriend comes home. He walks in the door and is amazed at what he sees. WoW where did those come from, she goes on to explain the mirrow purchase and explains how she ask for the large boobs. He says wow i gotta try that. So he strips down nekid and goes to the bathroom and stands in front of the mirrow. He says mirrow,mirrow on the door make my pecker touch the floor, his legs starts getting shorter and shorter :o

Zip.

THERATTLER

02-17-2010, 07:00 AM

mayby thats what happening to me , I have went down two inchs on the inseam , :lol:

TheRabbit

02-18-2010, 04:21 PM

This is not a joke. It's the truth, but still funny!!! LOL

http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t288/rabbit548/WomenExplained.jpg

TheRabbit

05-14-2010, 09:58 AM

Todd I thought you and DD would like this one.

http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t288/rabbit548/scan0001-1.jpg

TheYellaBrick

05-15-2010, 09:41 PM

LOLOLOLOL Boy ain't that the TRUTH ??

DirkaDirka

05-20-2010, 07:57 AM

What other forums are saying.............
Bentley Forums - - - I used the ash tray today. How do I replace it?

Camaro/Firebird Forums - - - My girl slept with my brother and my wife.
How can I kill 'em? (btw, I have a record and I ain't going back.)

Mustang Forums - - - Some punk kid in a Civic tried to race me.

Civic Forums - - - Some punk kid in a Mustang tried to race me.

Yugo Forum (Yugos only rate one Forum) - - - When's the last time yours ran?

Lamborghini Forums - - - Annoying wind noise around 210MPH...

Miata Forums - - - Some jackass in a Yukon just ran over my car. (pics)

GMC Yukon Forums - - - Miata stuck in my undercarriage. How do I safely
remove it? (pics)

BMW 7-series Forums - - - Where do I go to get my Rolex serviced?

Cadillac Forums - - - Problems parallel parking at bingo.

Ford Excursion Forums - - - Is the price of gas going down anytime soon? I'm
thinking about buying an oilwell.

Buick Forums - - - Which is better? Medicare or Medicaid?

Crown Victoria Forums - - - How come people never drive faster than 55
on the
highway?

Honda Accord Forums - - - Mom is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap,
used 18 inch wheels.

Toyota Echo Forums - - - Do our cars use Double A's or Triple A's?

Ferrari Forums - - - Need suggestions about a business trip to Colombia.
Want to get in and out fast.

Saturn Forums - - - Cigarette landed on my fender. Fender melted and need to
replace.

Mini Forums - - - Just flipped the Cooper after watching The Italian
Job. Suing the movie company. (pics)

Dodge Viper Forums - - - I floored-it on the way home from work
yesterday. How to get pee stains out of the leather?

McLaren F1 Forums - - - Some punk in a jet tried to race me.

Dodge Minivan Forums - - - Where's the best place to post the soccer
schedule so I don't forget where I'm supposed to be?

Hummer Forums - - - Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have
to get the touch-up paint from the Dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's $35 in
gas.

Fiat Forum - - - Hello? Hello? Am I the only one here? (Might be
combined with Yugo Forum in the future).

fiero forum : check out my new fire suit (pics)

Subaru WRX Forums - - - Got ticketed for drifting in the Walmart parking
lot.

SRT Forums - - - "Will this void my warranty"

GNX Forums - - - Transmission Groupbuy full! Stop PM'ing me!!!

NSX Forums - - - Head to big to fit in car, should have bought a Targa.

Z06 Forums - - - Why did I pay $50k for something with a Cavalier
steering wheel?

Mopar Forums - - - Help! I've replaced everything and it still won't start!

Circle Track Mini Stock Racer's Forums - - - Those darn Formula
Continental and Sports Racers have used up all of the 2.0 Ford Pinto engines!

Formula and Sports Racer's Forums - - - Those darn Mini-Stock racers
have used up all of the 2.0 Ford Pinto engines!

Silver Crown Forums - - - Do you suppose we can race at Indy with the
new car?

Indy Forums - - - Do you suppose Tony will allow front engine open-wheel
cars at Indy?

Corvette Forum: I don't know... you'll have to ask my mechanic.

RX-7 Forums: I blew the Apex Seals in my engine....again

Aston Martin forum - My battery died whilst being delivered to my house from the showroom. How do I get in?

Escalade Forums: Where do I find a platinum grill encrusted with diamonds, FOR MY MOUTH????

Tri-5 Chevy Forums: Someone customized a 57 Chevy with non-chevy parts instead of restoring it,,,,,should we KILL HIM????

Vintage Vette Forums: I have a 1969 windshield wiper motor for sale, $50,000 obo. (buyer must arrange shipping).

Late 70's / early 80's Trans Am Forums: My girl has been spending too much time at the METH DEALER'S TRAILER, what should I do?

Chevy HHR forum- "man....I trashed a PT Cruiser getting on the freeway"

PT Cruiser Forum- "I let a Chevy HHR go by me on an onramp...I
wasn't even on the gas"

Florida Cadillac/Lincoln Forum: How do I keep the left turn signal from self-cancelling??

Buick Forum: Fedora, or Derby??

Studebaker Forum: You will NOT believe where I found rust today!?!?!

BMW M/C Forum: I have to remove HOW MUCH plastic to change my oil?!?!?!

Ducati Bevel drive Forum: Shims more shims howmany shimswhereohmygodmoreshims blublublub

Citroën 2CV Forum: If I get asked ONE MORE TIME if it's a kit car, I'm gonna....

Ron612

05-23-2010, 05:21 PM

In the 90s we had Clinton... we also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have Obama... and no hope and no cash!

TheYellaBrick

05-28-2010, 06:19 AM

Stopped by the Toyota Dealership yesterday for a look at the new Tacoma . Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct...

The salesman (wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.

The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with his mind, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.

I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership........damn guy had no sense of humor.

TheYellaBrick

06-09-2010, 02:56 PM

Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door..

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis ' 3:10".

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked'

fla1976

06-29-2010, 03:30 PM

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary , and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no f****n' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

TheYellaBrick

07-10-2010, 07:05 AM

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY.....

Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.

outlaw28

07-12-2010, 09:31 AM

DUE TO RECENT ECONOMIC CONDITIONS, AND THE RISING COST OF ELECTRICITY, GAS AND OIL, THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL HAS BEEN TURNED OFF.

WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.

Ford = Farmers otta ride donkeys

fagot on raw dick

gearhead1011

07-12-2010, 02:48 PM

Cracked
Heads
Every
Valve
Rattles
Oil
Leaks
Every
Time

Drips
Oil
Drops
Grease
Everywhere

and just so we don't leave the ricers out

How
Odd
No
Damn
Acceleration

TheRabbit

07-16-2010, 10:06 AM

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease.

The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim.

It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em," and it is a terrible obamanation.

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior.

Many victims contracted it in 2008 after yelling

"Yes, We Can"

...but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years,
are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.

It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured
with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout.

You take the first dose in 2010 and the second dose in 2012

and simply don't engage in risky behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.

Several states are already on top of this, like Virginia and New Jersey ,

and apparently now Massachusetts, with many more seeing the writing on the wall.

fla1976

07-20-2010, 04:33 PM

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom,
had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they
could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the
congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every
move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed
a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together
the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold
it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed
uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom
is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum
should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The
pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He
said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I
just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

TheRabbit

07-21-2010, 01:12 PM

Man I was reading that one slow and had to take a deep breath just thinking about it. Glad Tom is OK! lol

lively

08-02-2010, 02:12 PM

-Subject: Pastor's Donkey

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race
again and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get rid
of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier
and
live longer!

Have
a nice day!

Scooterz

08-02-2010, 03:36 PM

Words to live by... good one Lively.

curtisreed

10-18-2010, 06:29 AM

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps…He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did… and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. “Now….. show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,” he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. “Now. Tell him you have a headache

ajk

10-18-2010, 09:31 AM

ajk

10-19-2010, 01:18 PM

Three guys walked into a bar............................................... .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ...........................The forth one ducked

Chevyjunkie93

10-22-2010, 09:35 PM

"DEFECTIVE STAMPS"
Stamp Malfunction

The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it. The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the glue.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side.

Chevyjunkie93

10-22-2010, 09:38 PM

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give you all of your energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legsgot wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...
The ass hole is usually in charge

ajk

10-23-2010, 10:24 AM

Three nuns were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat came by and flashed them. The first two nuns had a stroke the third couldn't reach.

TheYellaBrick

10-28-2010, 06:28 PM

Speaking of Nun's, God bless 'em....

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that -
1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!"

taonindo

11-19-2010, 10:17 AM

two drunk guys are walking down the road when they see a dog laying in a yard licking it self. the first guy says i wish i could do that. the second guy looks at the dog then sez to his buddy " i think you better pet him first"

fla1976

11-21-2010, 06:11 AM

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The
parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious
and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
parrot got angrier and even more rude. John , in desperation,
threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for
over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John 's outstretched arms and said "I believe I
may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my
inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very
softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING (Early)

Ron612

11-25-2010, 12:58 PM

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times lasts year." They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husbands ribs, said "That's once a day. You could really learn something from this one. "The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a complete recovery.

Ron612

12-18-2010, 04:20 PM

Two Garbage Bags
>
>A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage
>bags behind her.

One of the bags rips, and every once in a while
>a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
>Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says,
>"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
>
>"Oh, really? Darn," says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and
>see if I can find them.

Thanks for telling me..."
>"
>Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?

You didn't steal it, did you?"
>
>"Oh, no,' says the little old lady. You see, my back yard is
>right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days,
>a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower
>garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers.
>Each time some guy sticks his "whizz" through the fence, I grab it and I say,
>'$20 or off it comes!'"
>
>"OK, that seems only fair," laughs the cop. "So, good luck.
>Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
>
>"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

482

01-22-2011, 04:14 PM

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in
the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an Old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first
the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his
shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall
down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing
both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt
underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and
hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,"What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously
embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'." :oops: :shock:

slowmotion

01-23-2011, 06:55 AM

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought her a bouquet of flowers. The
candy-store owner's daughter gave her a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a
drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Is it Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy, "It's a puppy!"

Harbone

01-26-2011, 08:12 AM

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair...

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

mopar1968

01-26-2011, 05:55 PM

:shock: :shock: :shock: :lol: :lol:

Mark

dragonmaster093

01-26-2011, 06:01 PM

2 homos walking by a funeral home
first says to the second hey how about we stop in and suck down a couple cold ones :shock: :shock: :oops: :oops:

mopar1968

01-26-2011, 06:16 PM

:shock: :shock: :shock: :!: :!:

Mark

dragonmaster093

01-26-2011, 06:20 PM

dont know if this one is clean enough but here goes
why do women paratroopers where jockstraps?
to keep there lips from flapping

also
why do women have 2 sets of lips?
so they can piss and moan at the same time

no offence to any ladys

dirtmod26

01-29-2011, 12:28 PM

One
Big
Ass
Mistake
America

I guess it's not so much a joke, but more truth, sorry for the mix up.

fla1976

01-29-2011, 01:40 PM

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .... .......

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

http://img11.imageshack.us/img11/7487/cornflakes.png

fla1976

03-06-2011, 06:01 PM

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day they had each walked across the lake to a pub on the far
side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick took a boat
out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped out of the boat ...and nearly
drowned!
His pal Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked 'It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the
lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?'

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your
father, grandfather and great-grandfather were all born in December when the
lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya block head.'

TheRabbit

03-25-2011, 10:58 AM

Solution to the problem in Libya :

They want a new Muslim leader, I say, give them ours.

Solves two problems.

TheYellaBrick

03-25-2011, 03:40 PM

I don't think Michele will like wearing a burka 24/7/356

slowmotion

03-27-2011, 12:35 PM

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

slowmotion

03-27-2011, 12:39 PM

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had
all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"

Ron612

04-09-2011, 05:01 PM

The Arrogance of Authority

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

(I just love this part....)

"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

TheRabbit

05-10-2011, 05:09 PM

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

Scooterz

05-11-2011, 09:57 AM

Good one!!

mopar1968

05-17-2011, 06:00 PM

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Mark

ajk

06-03-2011, 09:22 AM

Last night 2 cops showed up at my door. One was holding a picture. He asked me is this your wife? I said yes it was. He then stated i am sorry to say but it looks like she has been hit by a bus. So i said i know but she has a great personality and is good with the kids..................

482

06-03-2011, 10:49 AM

fla1976

06-05-2011, 03:55 AM

During his first three years of marriage, Frank — a big DIYer — tackled several huge home-improvement projects. At first, Frank's wife Pat loved how their house had shaped up beautifully and without a great deal of cost.

But Pat gradually realized she was lonely and increasingly frustrated that she had, in effect, lost her man to his passion for projects. After Frank forgot their fourth anniversary, Pat announced that she had enrolled them in a Marriage Weekend.

During the weekend, Frank tried to listen to the instructor, but Pat noticed that he'd often nod off or doodle on project plans on the back of his handouts. "It's essential," said the instructor, "that spouses know what's important to each other. So men, can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Frank leaned over, touched Pat's arm gently and whispered, "Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn't it?"

Thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

mcrracing1011

06-06-2011, 08:48 AM

what kind of cans are in mexico?

Mexicans

ajk

07-13-2011, 09:32 AM

If you worked in an office with Chuck Norris would you have the guts to ask him for his "3-hole punch"?

smokingwheels

07-21-2011, 06:53 AM

What's the difference do loop until a = 127
and do loop until 127 = a ?

The Need For Speed....

olds48

08-24-2011, 08:32 PM

What's the difference do loop until a = 127
and do loop until 127 = a ?

The Need For Speed....

Huh?

TheYellaBrick

08-25-2011, 03:13 PM

HUH?... I didn't think you Ausies spoke a different language :shock: :shock:

olds48

08-26-2011, 08:06 PM

I check this thread every day for an answer...its worrying the $%*& outta me but i am also very easily amused

fla1976

10-30-2011, 04:08 PM

The Talking Centipede
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use as his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me?"
This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time!
I'm putting my shoes on!"

TheYellaBrick

11-30-2011, 04:53 PM

This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said,
“Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.”

So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color and race, unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddy’s are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes
to qualify.

My dogs get their first checks Friday.

Damn, is this a great country or what?
:D :D :D :D :D

lively

11-30-2011, 06:47 PM

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

outlaw256

12-01-2011, 05:20 PM

DD, that was GREAT

TheRabbit

12-03-2011, 04:14 AM

What's the difference do loop until a = 127
and do loop until 127 = a ?

The Need For Speed....

Go to page 25.

http://www.stat.berkeley.edu/classes/s100/sas.pdf

TheYellaBrick

12-03-2011, 07:52 AM

HUH ?

:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

outlaw256

12-04-2011, 04:28 AM

i quess thst what they call ROCKET SCIENCE LOL

482

12-04-2011, 08:28 AM

Everybody knows loop always = 127 from the certipoint (a) to thrust extension.
Easy one :o

outlaw256

12-05-2011, 02:27 AM

Everybody knows loop always = 127 from the certipoint (a) to thrust extension.
Easy one :o yea, what the hells wrong with the rest of you guys lol

TheYellaBrick

12-14-2011, 02:48 PM

On Bud's Gun Shop Forums the question came up: What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself? The best answer:

My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22 short. Over all the years I've been hiking I never leave without it in my pocket. Of course we all know too the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System". For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend or companion, even an in-law, that way if something happens there is someone to go get help.
I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in northern Alberta . Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs. Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I'd sure not be here today. Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace.
That's one of the best pistols in my safe... :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

oldandtired

12-17-2011, 08:49 AM

Now DD, that is just plain funny!!! :D

lively

12-17-2011, 05:11 PM

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

ajk

12-18-2011, 03:50 AM

A TOUCHING CHRISTMAS STORY A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. Walking through the mall the surprised wife look up and noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do. She used her cell phone to call her husban...d because she was so upset, to ask him where he was. The husband in a calm voice said, honey remember the jewlery store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day. His wife said crying, yes I remember that jewlery store. He said, well I'm in the bar next to it

fla1976

12-27-2011, 04:16 PM

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100
million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in
gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting
donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon :shock: ."

lively

12-27-2011, 04:52 PM

:shock: :shock: 8) 8)

TheYellaBrick

12-27-2011, 05:07 PM

OH MAN ! That is a GOOD one :D :D :D :D :D :D

TheYellaBrick

12-28-2011, 07:58 AM

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed,
saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said,
"No son, I don't dance.... never really wanted to"

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,
"Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off,
started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was laughing..

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing,
holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule,
pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;
"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir.... but.... I've always wanted to"

There are a few lessons for all of us here:

*Don't be arrogant.
*Don't waste ammunition.
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*Always make sure you know who is in control...
*And finally, Don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid....

DirkaDirka

01-10-2012, 07:29 AM

I stole this one off another website I am on........

With the Euro plummeting like a stone, the Ford Motor Corporation has announced that it is to acquire French state-owned Automobiles Renault.

Engineering teams from the two companies have already joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault “Clio” and the Ford “Taurus”, they have designed the “Clitaurus”. It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real ***** to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you simply can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and their curb weight typically increases with age. The manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

TheYellaBrick

01-10-2012, 10:58 AM

Oh BABY ! THAT is FUUUUUUNNNY !!

:D :D :D :D :D :D

ajk

01-13-2012, 03:48 AM

The Talking Centipede
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use as his house.
... He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me?"
This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time!
I'm putting my shoes on!"

TheYellaBrick

02-04-2012, 04:15 PM

'Guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender!

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Whiskey."

The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space, exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . .. So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Whiskey."

Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers

The guy leaves, but finds this very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey.

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, about “50."

The robot leans in real close and says,

"So, . . . you people still happy with Barack Obama?"

lively

02-04-2012, 06:37 PM

VERY TRUE 8) 8) 8)

mopar1968

02-04-2012, 08:39 PM

:lol: :lol: :lol: LMAO :!: :!: :!:

Mark

olds48

02-10-2012, 03:20 PM

my joke: Jason Wolfe

lively

02-10-2012, 05:08 PM

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

TheRabbit

02-10-2012, 05:33 PM

my joke: Jason Wolfe

I can top that one.

JASON WOLFE MADE AN HONOR PAYMENT!!!

lively

02-10-2012, 06:53 PM

that is a joke for sure 8) 8)

olds48

02-10-2012, 10:50 PM

Yep,Rabbit wins this round!

olds48

02-10-2012, 10:56 PM

TheRabbit

02-11-2012, 01:48 PM

What's the difference do loop until a = 127
and do loop until 127 = a ?

The Need For Speed....

Go to page 25.

http://www.stat.berkeley.edu/classes/s100/sas.pdf

BTW Rabbit...how'd you figure that out?

I studied BS at Berkeley for 4 years and SAS was part of the program. After Berkeley I went to work as The BS Specialist for NASA, then moved up to BS administrator in the Department of BS'ing!! LOL

Google is a wonderfull thing for stupid people like me!!
I learned a long time ago if I don't know what somebody is talking about to google it and read about it before making myself look dummer. ( I know dummer is not an adjective. However, it was in a movie title so it must be ok to use it as one.)

BTW, I never figured out the answer. I just found what he was talking about.

olds48

02-11-2012, 08:53 PM

LOL Yeah i read page 25...still clueless! I ain't all edjookated lyke u is :D

TheRabbit

02-12-2012, 12:20 PM

LOL Yeah i read page 25...still clueless! I ain't all edjookated lyke u is :D

Took me a second to figure that out. LOL. I was hoping if I posted the page it was on Scorpion would figure it out for me! :D

oldandtired

02-13-2012, 06:04 AM

Ole, Sven & Lena

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to.... and there was his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news . Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole

"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to yer pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put yer fingers, so you don't pee in your eye."

olds48

02-13-2012, 03:51 PM

:lol: That's funnier than it should be,if you know what I mean :lol:

TheRabbit

05-07-2012, 07:46 PM

A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case.
The Problem was who should get custody of the child.
The wife screamed and jumped up and said: "Your Honor. I brought the child into the world with all the pain and labor.
The child Should be in my custody."
The judge turned to the husband and said: "What do you have to Say in your defense?"
The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose.

"Your Honor... If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi Comes out...Whose Pepsi is it... The machine's or mine?

ajk

07-13-2012, 03:30 AM

A man walks into a doctors office and tells the doctor that he often feels like he is a moth. The docter tells him this is not a physical condition that he can treat but a physcilogical issue and maybe a shrink is his best choice. The man says he knew that already but the doctors light was on! :shock: Now thats funny i dont care who you are.

mopar1968

07-20-2012, 07:26 PM

my joke: Jason Wolfe

I can top that one.

JASON WOLFE MADE AN HONOR PAYMENT!!!

I can top that, Jason Wolfe being a honest seller / trader :!: :!:

Mark

TheRabbit

08-11-2012, 04:05 PM

I have laughed all day at this one. I thought I'd share it with you guys.

http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t288/rabbit548/Obamaself.jpg

TheYellaBrick

08-11-2012, 07:11 PM

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

TheRabbit

08-16-2012, 06:00 PM

Not a joke, but I have a bunch of funny pictures to laugh at. I love this little pic.

http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t288/rabbit548/Dogoutfit.jpg

http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t288/rabbit548/Positionavail.jpg

A crazy women, 2 kids and a CAT. Oh yea, I'm dying to jump into this one! lol

TheYellaBrick

08-16-2012, 08:00 PM

What great imagination for the doggy one ! :D :D :D

Slngsht727

10-07-2012, 06:18 AM

My Mom unexpectedly walked into my bedroom one night and said, "You know son, if you keep doing that, you're going to go blind?" So I said, "Gee Mom, can I just keep doing it until I need glasses?"

Slngsht727

10-07-2012, 09:39 AM

I was so poor growing up... if I wasn't been born a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.

ajk

10-07-2012, 10:35 AM

Obama.

TheYellaBrick

10-07-2012, 02:24 PM

Obama.

Now THAT is a JOKE...........

:evil: :evil: :evil:

TheRabbit

12-01-2012, 08:36 AM

This one is probably more truth than a joke, but it's funny anyway!

A labor union rep walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama’s victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an
Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the
bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile,
waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates
the union rep. The union rep once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!" The union man once again loudly orders drinks
for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the
Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union man asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?" "Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

TheYellaBrick

12-01-2012, 08:39 AM

YEP, I built this business !

ajk

12-01-2012, 09:54 AM

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop........................ :lol: :lol: :lol:

TS1955

12-01-2012, 06:04 PM

Three old guys were walking along when one says "It's windy isn't it"? The second one says" No I think it's Thursday". And the third guy says "Me too lets go get a beer". :lol: :lol: :lol:

TS1955

TheYellaBrick

12-06-2012, 08:34 PM

Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow. “Fifty dollars!” she would cry out from the curb. “No, Five dollars!” fired back Clinton This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He’d run by and she’d yell, “Fifty dollars!” And he’d yell back, “Five dollars!” One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog! As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the “pro” would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he’d really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the Secretary of State. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker! Bill tried to avoid the prostitute’s eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled… See what you get for five bucks!?”

:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

TheYellaBrick

12-10-2012, 04:00 PM

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!" :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

TheYellaBrick

12-10-2012, 04:17 PM

Things to Say to an Obama Voter Who Just Got Laid Off
1. “Hey, at least that successful Mormon businessman didn’t win.”
2. “Didn’t your lady parts warn you this would happen?”
3. “Look at the Bright Side, Gay marriage passed in four states.”
4. “Hey, Big Bird still has a job. Isn’t that the important thing?”
5. “I am sure Obama cares deeply about your situation. Maybe he’ll send you a postcard from Hawaii.”
6. “Well, look at the bright side, Rush Limbaugh is getting a massive tax increase.”
7. “Hey! Now you’ll have more time to play with your unicorn.”
8. “Isn’t it worth losing your job to know that religious organizations now have to pay for abortions and contraceptives?”
9. “Well, now you and Keith Olbermann have something else in common.”
10. “Forward!”

TheYellaBrick

12-17-2012, 01:31 PM

Giggle for the day.............The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock. When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit" Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted....

fla1976

02-10-2013, 08:10 AM

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore. "The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him.
He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"

TheYellaBrick

02-24-2013, 02:19 PM

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Kevin's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Shit ,Kevin how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So . . . . here I am !

TheYellaBrick

02-28-2013, 05:40 PM

A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something a little more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘There’s no money in that account.’
‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’

See…….Not All Seniors Are Senile ! :D :D :D :D

Scooterz

03-01-2013, 10:17 AM

HAHAHA!!!!! That is a wise old dude.

TheYellaBrick

03-01-2013, 07:45 PM

A guy is 82 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

TheRabbit

08-05-2013, 02:23 PM

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS
AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.