BEST JOKE YOU GOT...CLEAN.

[CamBirdRacing]

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well cared for.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head.

He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap'.

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with non-stopping chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.

Can I come with him tomorrow?'

[bjuice]

lady purchased a Magic mirror from Flea Market, She got it home ripped off her top stood in front of Mirror and said " Magic Mirror on the door make my boobs a 44"...BAM...44 boobs popped out there...

Weeks Later an old drunk walked by the mirror after hearing what it did for the lady..He dropped his drawers and stood in front of the mirror and said " Magic Mirror on the door make my crank touch the floor "...and HIS LEGS FELL OFF ! :shock: :D

[BEAST477]

:shock: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[ajk]

OK, gonna do a 180 and go with the WORST joke:

What is a pirates favorite letter?

Most think it be the rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

But actually, it be the cccccccccccc!

Yes, it must be said with a pirates voice. :lol: :lol: :lol:

[CamBirdRacing]

The all Girl Biker Bar
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4.e woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The ladur right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

[Harbone]

Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.
One day Betty said, "Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives. Please do me one favor. When you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there." Bertha looked up at Betty and said, "Betty, if it's at all possible, I'll do it." Shortly after that, Bertha died.
A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Betty, Betty."
"Who is it," asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Betty -- it's me, Bertha."
"Bertha! Where are you?"
"In heaven," replied Bertha. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Betty.
"The good news," Bertha said, "is that there's women's softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we're all young again, and it's always springtime and it never rains or snows. Best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," said Betty. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."

[TheYellaBrick]

:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

[fla1976]

The Outhouse
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.




So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing. Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.



That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.



The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"



The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."



The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree."

[TheYellaBrick]

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[Harbone]

THE SENSUOUS WIFE

A husband came home to find his wife laying on the bed dressed in lingerie and looking very sexy.

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.
"Uh, no," he said.
She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," he said, now really intrigued.
"Well.....go look in the garage..."

[TheYellaBrick]

"Hello, is this the Police?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Police descend on Billy’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left.

The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, Buddy"

[TheYellaBrick]

For those of you who missed this gem last night:

An old lady went to the store to buy some food for her dog. Upon reaching the check-out,

the clerk told her "I'm sorry ma'am, but the store manager heard that many old ladies on limited incomes buy dog food and eat it themselves. We now have a policy - if you want to buy dog food, you have to show us your dog."

Annoyed, the lady went home, got her faithful Fido, and returned to the store, where they sold her the dog food without question.
The next day, she returned to the store to buy cat food. Again, she's reproached by the cashier:

"I'm sorry ma'am, but the store manager heard that many old ladies on limited incomes buy cat food and eat it themselves. We now have a policy - if you want to buy cat food, you have to show us your cat."

Frustrated, the woman stormed home, retrieved her precious fluffy and returned to the store, where she was sold her cat food without further incident.

The next day, the woman returned to the store and strode right up to the cashier with a box in her hand.

"Put your hand in this box," she told the puzzled clerk.

"What's in it?" the clerk asked.

"Just put your hand in here," the lady said.

"No, there's probably something in there that will bite me"
"Nothing will bite you, I promise."

Reluctantly, the clerk put her hand in the box, felt the contents, pulled them out to examine them and let out a scream. Smiling, the old lady asked "now, may I please buy some toilet paper?"

[TheYellaBrick]

In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."

[TheYellaBrick]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and
have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like
to go out and make love for the first time .

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a
trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the
pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for
about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd
like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be
rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy
shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at
the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on
in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and
bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head
down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans
over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this
religious."
He replies "I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist"

[TheRabbit]

I stole this from Yellow Bullet.


(Receptionist) Hello, Welcome to ObamaGolf . My name is Trina. How can I help you?

(Customer) Hello, I received an email from Golfsmith stating that my Pro V1 order has been canceled and I should go to your exchange to reorder it. I tried your web site, but it seems like it is not working. So I am calling the 800 number.

(Receptionist) Yes, I am sorry about the web site. It should be fixed by the end of 2014. But I can help you.

(Customer) Thanks, I ordered some Pro V1 balls.

(Receptionist) Sir, Pro V1's do not meet our minimum standards, I will be happy to provide you with a choice of Pinnacle, TopFlite , or Callaway Blue.

(Customer) But I have played Pro V1 for years.

(Receptionist) The government has determined that Pro V1s are no longer acceptable, so we have instructed Titleist to stop making them. TopFlites are better, sir, I am sure you will love them.

(Customer) But I like the Pro V1. Why are TopFlites better?

(Receptionist) That is all spelled out in the 2700 page "Affordable Golf Ball Act" passed by Congress.

(Customer) Well, how much are these TopFlites ?

(Receptionist) It depends sir, do you want our Bronze, Silver, Gold or Platinum package?

(Customer) What's the difference?

(Receptionist) 12, 24, 36 or 48 balls.

(Customer) The Silver package may be okay; how much is it?

(Receptionist) It depends, sir; what is your monthly income?

(Customer) What does that have to do with anything?

(Receptionist) I need that to determine your government Golf Ball subsidy; then I can determine how much your out-of-pocket cost will be. But if your income is below the poverty level, you might qualify for a subsidy. In that case, I can refer you to our BallAid department.

(Customer) BallAid ?

(Receptionist) Yes, golf balls are a right, everyone has a right to golf balls. So, if you can't afford them, then the government will supply them free of charge.

(Customer) Who said they were a right?

(Receptionist) Congress passed it, the President signed it and the Supreme Court found it Constitutional.

(Customer) Whoa.....I don't remember seeing anything in the Constitution regarding golf balls as a right.

(Receptionist) There's no explicit mention of golf balls in the Constitution, but President Obama is a former constitutional scholar and he believes it would have been included if the Constitutional had not been drafted by a bunch of slave-owning white men. The Democrats in the Congress and the Supreme Court agree with the President that golf balls are now a right guaranteed by the Constitution.

(Customer) I don't believe this...

(Receptionist) It's the law of the land sir. Now, we anticipated most people would go for the Silver Package, so what is you monthly income sir?

(Customer) Forget it, I think I will forgo the balls this year.

(Receptionist) In that case, sir, I will still need your monthly income.

(Customer) Why?

(Receptionist) To determine what your 'non-participation' cost would be.

(Customer) WHAT? You can't charge me for NOT buying golf balls.

(Receptionist) It's the law of the land, sir, approved by the Supreme Court. It's $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income.....

(Customer)(interrupting) This is ridiculous, I'll pay the $49.50.

(Receptionist) Sir, it is the $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income, whichever is greater.

(Customer) ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What a ripoff!!

(Receptionist) Actually sir, it is a good deal. Next year it will be 2%.

(Customer) Look, I'm going to call my Congressman to find out what's going on here. This is ridiculous. I'm not going to pay it.

(Receptionist) Sorry to hear that sir, that's why I had the NSA track this call and obtain the make and model of the cell phone you are using.

(Customer) Why does the NSA need to know what kind of CELL PHONE I AM USING?

(Receptionist) So they get your GPS coordinates, sir

(Door Bell rings followed immediately by a loud knock on the door)

(Receptionist) That would be the IRS, sir. Thanks for calling ObamaGolf , have a nice day...and God Bless the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave.

[Harbone]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
http://www.nastyz28.com/ubb/smile.gif

[TheYellaBrick]

Well I'm not there YET !

[curtisreed]

This is from an 80 year old Grandfather:

I was visiting my Granddaughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.....

"This is the 21st century" she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers and we don't waste natural resources. Here, use my iPad."

I can tell you this.....that fly never knew what hit him!

[indcontrols]

32

Baby picture...

[curtisreed]

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'

[TheRabbit]

Wife missing.



A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing:

Husband : - I've lost my wife. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant : - What is her height ?

Husband: - Gee, I really never noticed. Maybe about five feet tall.

Sergeant : - Build?

Husband: - Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant : - Color of eyes?

Husband : - Never noticed.

Sergeant : - Color of hair?

Husband : - Changes a couple times a year . .. . maybe red.

Sergeant : - What was she wearing?

Husband: - Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant : - Did she go in a car?

Husband : - No, she went in my truck.

Sergeant : - What kind of truck was it?

Husband : - Brand new Ford F150 with Eco-boost V6 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Put on special alloy wheels and off road Michelin's. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door.……at this point the husband started tearing up and almost cried.

Sergeant: - Don't worry Bubba.......We’ll find your truck.

[Swiley383]

Showed that my wife she gave me the look and shock her head.

[mopar1968]

Hope this doesn't offend anyone but here goes!! Clean joke is Nancy pelosci and Chuck Schumer!!