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Thread: Your witness

  1. #1
    Senior Member RACING JUNKIE fla1976's Avatar
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    Your witness

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are

    things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and

    now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm

    while these exchanges were actually taking place.


    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

    WITNESS: My name is Susan!

    ____________________________________________



    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ______________________________ ______________



    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

    ____________________________________________



    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    WITNESS: I forget.

    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

    ___________________________________________



    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

    WITNESS: We both do.

    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

    WITNESS: We do.

    ATTORNEY: You do?

    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

    ____________________________________________



    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his

    sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ____________________________________



    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

    WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

    ___________________________________________



    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNESS: Are you joking me?

    _________________________________________



    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

    WITNESS: getting laid

    ____________________________________________



    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

    WITNESS: None.

    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a

    new attorney?

    ____________________________________________



    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNESS: By death.

    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    WITNESS: Take a guess.



    ____________________________________________



    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

    _____________________________________



    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

    deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ______________________________________



    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

    _________________________________________



    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

    WITNESS: Oral.

    _________________________________________



    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

    ____________________________________________



    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

    ______________________________________



    And the best for last:



    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

    began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing

    law.

  2. #2
    Senior Member DYNO OPERATOR
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    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Good one's I think had that attorney before.

  3. #3
    Senior Member RACING JUNKIE TheYellaBrick's Avatar
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    I'll bet all those 'lawyers' voted for BarryO..... :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll:
    TRUTH is HATE
    to those who
    HATE TRUTH

    God Bless our folks in uniform
    "We the People, have your backs"
    http://www.racingjunk.com/profile/279898

  4. #4
    Senior Member RACING JUNKIE THERATTLER's Avatar
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    I can't wait to send this to an attorney friend of mind , he probaly won't get it and I will have to explain it to him :lol:
    ***IN GOD WE TRUST***GOD BLESS AMERICA******

  5. #5
    Member MASTER JOURNEYMAN
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    thanks i needed that!!!..........still chuklin

  6. #6
    Senior Member RACING JUNKIE
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    I was in court one time several years ago, and there was a guy being sentenced for Public Intoxication or DUI,something like that..Well his lawyer went on for several minutes about how his client made a mistake, and that he had never been in trouble before and deserved a break. He really beat that to death ( never been in trouble) Well after he was finished, the Judge asked the Prosecutor if she had any further questions for the defendant.

    She said yes your honor..and then

    "Mr. Smith..is it not true that you were arrested in 1984 for possession of cocaine?"

    the defendant said "Yes " ,,His lawyer looked like he was going to barf. :lol: I guess the guy lied to his lawyer and he never checked.

  7. #7
    Senior Member RACING JUNKIE
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    yea and don't most lawyers become senators? or presidents? :shock:

  8. #8
    Senior Member RACING JUNKIE TheYellaBrick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by signsbyesa
    yea and don't most lawyers become senators? or presidents? :shock:
    :shock: :shock: :shock: SCARY schitt :shock: :shock: :shock:
    TRUTH is HATE
    to those who
    HATE TRUTH

    God Bless our folks in uniform
    "We the People, have your backs"
    http://www.racingjunk.com/profile/279898


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