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Thread: Texas Chilli Cookoff (just 2 funny!)

  1. #1
    Senior Member SENIOR BUILDER
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    Texas Chilli Cookoff (just 2 funny!)

    If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for

    you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.



    If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL.



    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

    happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."





    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:





    ************************************************** ***





    CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...







    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato Amusing kick.

    Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.

    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



    ************************************************** ***



    CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...





    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

    Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw

    the look on my face.



    ************************************************** ***



    CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...



    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

    Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,now my backbone is in

    the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.



    ************************************************** ***

    CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...



    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

    other mild foods not much of a chili.

    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



    ************************************************** ***



    CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER..



    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

    considerable ! kick. Very impressive.

    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit

    the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili

    had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!



    ************************************************** ***



    CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...



    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices

    and peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

    Superb.

    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.



    ************************************************** ***



    CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...



    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

    chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried

    about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've

    decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



    ************************************************** ***



    CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...



    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence

    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if

    he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

    Judge # 3 - No Report
    I don't want to arrive at the pearly gates in perfect shape, rather I want to come sliding in, all burnt up, screaming "WHAT A RIDE"!

  2. #2
    Senior Member MASTER BUILDER
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    I must have smelled the fumes because I have tears in my eyes.


    Steve

  3. #3
    Senior Member DYNO OPERATOR
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    ROFLMFAO....Man that was a good one al...I laughed till tears ran on face also and so did the better half and I am sure Sally would have had the best laugh in this story...
    SEE THE USA IN YOUR CHEVROLET

  4. #4
    Senior Member RACING JUNKIE
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    my step dad sent me that a few months back and it is still funny as heck.

  5. #5
    Senior Member RACING JUNKIE
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    Poor judge #3....definately could not handle my chili...lol


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