OH MAN ! That is a GOOD one :D :D :D :D :D :D

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed,
saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said,
"No son, I don't dance.... never really wanted to"

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,
"Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off,
started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was laughing..

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing,
holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule,
pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;
"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir.... but.... I've always wanted to"

There are a few lessons for all of us here:

*Don't be arrogant.
*Don't waste ammunition.
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*Always make sure you know who is in control...
*And finally, Don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid....

I stole this one off another website I am on........

With the Euro plummeting like a stone, the Ford Motor Corporation has announced that it is to acquire French state-owned Automobiles Renault.



Engineering teams from the two companies have already joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.



Mixing the Renault “Clio” and the Ford “Taurus”, they have designed the “Clitaurus”. It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.



Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real ***** to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you simply can't get it to turn over.



New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and their curb weight typically increases with age. The manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

One that you can even tell the kid.....
 

The Talking Centipede
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use as his house.
... He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me?"
This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time!
I'm putting my shoes on!"

VERY TRUE 8) 8) 8)

:lol: :lol: :lol: LMAO :!: :!: :!:


Mark

my joke: Jason Wolfe

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I can top that one.

JASON WOLFE MADE AN HONOR PAYMENT!!!

that is a joke for sure 8) 8)

Yep,Rabbit wins this round!

BTW Rabbit...how'd you figure that out?

I studied BS at Berkeley for 4 years and SAS was part of the program. After Berkeley I went to work as The BS Specialist for NASA, then moved up to BS administrator in the Department of BS'ing!! LOL

Google is a wonderfull thing for stupid people like me!!
I learned a long time ago if I don't know what somebody is talking about to google it and read about it before making myself look dummer. ( I know dummer is not an adjective. However, it was in a movie title so it must be ok to use it as one.)

BTW, I never figured out the answer. I just found what he was talking about.

LOL Yeah i read page 25...still clueless! I ain't all edjookated lyke u is :D

Took me a second to figure that out. LOL. I was hoping if I posted the page it was on Scorpion would figure it out for me! :D

Ole, Sven & Lena

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to.... and there was his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news . Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole

"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to yer pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put yer fingers, so you don't pee in your eye."

:lol: That's funnier than it should be,if you know what I mean :lol:

A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case.
The Problem was who should get custody of the child.
The wife screamed and jumped up and said: "Your Honor. I brought the child into the world with all the pain and labor.
The child Should be in my custody."
The judge turned to the husband and said: "What do you have to Say in your defense?"
The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose.

"Your Honor... If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi Comes out...Whose Pepsi is it... The machine's or mine?

A man walks into a doctors office and tells the doctor that he often feels like he is a moth. The docter tells him this is not a physical condition that he can treat but a physcilogical issue and maybe a shrink is his best choice. The man says he knew that already but the doctors light was on! :shock: Now thats funny i dont care who you are.

I can top that, Jason Wolfe being a honest seller / trader :!: :!:

Mark

I have laughed all day at this one. I thought I'd share it with you guys.

http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t.../Obamaself.jpg

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Not a joke, but I have a bunch of funny pictures to laugh at. I love this little pic.

http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t.../Dogoutfit.jpg


http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t...itionavail.jpg

A crazy women, 2 kids and a CAT. Oh yea, I'm dying to jump into this one! lol

My Mom unexpectedly walked into my bedroom one night and said, "You know son, if you keep doing that, you're going to go blind?" So I said, "Gee Mom, can I just keep doing it until I need glasses?"

I was so poor growing up... if I wasn't been born a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.

Obama.

Now THAT is a JOKE...........

:evil: :evil: :evil:

This one is probably more truth than a joke, but it's funny anyway!

A labor union rep walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama’s victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an
Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the
bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile,
waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates
the union rep. The union rep once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!" The union man once again loudly orders drinks
for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the
Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union man asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?" "Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop........................ :lol: :lol: :lol:

Three old guys were walking along when one says "It's windy isn't it"? The second one says" No I think it's Thursday". And the third guy says "Me too lets go get a beer". :lol: :lol: :lol:

TS1955

Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow. “Fifty dollars!” she would cry out from the curb. “No, Five dollars!” fired back Clinton This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He’d run by and she’d yell, “Fifty dollars!” And he’d yell back, “Five dollars!” One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog! As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the “pro” would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he’d really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the Secretary of State. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker! Bill tried to avoid the prostitute’s eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled… See what you get for five bucks!?”

:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!" :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

Things to Say to an Obama Voter Who Just Got Laid Off
1. “Hey, at least that successful Mormon businessman didn’t win.”
2. “Didn’t your lady parts warn you this would happen?”
3. “Look at the Bright Side, Gay marriage passed in four states.”
4. “Hey, Big Bird still has a job. Isn’t that the important thing?”
5. “I am sure Obama cares deeply about your situation. Maybe he’ll send you a postcard from Hawaii.”
6. “Well, look at the bright side, Rush Limbaugh is getting a massive tax increase.”
7. “Hey! Now you’ll have more time to play with your unicorn.”
8. “Isn’t it worth losing your job to know that religious organizations now have to pay for abortions and contraceptives?”
9. “Well, now you and Keith Olbermann have something else in common.”
10. “Forward!”

BUSTED !
 

Giggle for the day.............The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock. When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit" Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted....

Drivers License
 

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore. "The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him.
He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"

Ask and ye shall get....
 

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Kevin's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Shit ,Kevin how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So . . . . here I am !