The Lie Detector...
 

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair...

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

:shock: :shock: :shock: :lol: :lol:










Mark

2 homos walking by a funeral home
first says to the second hey how about we stop in and suck down a couple cold ones :shock: :shock: :oops: :oops:

:shock: :shock: :shock: :!: :!:





Mark

dont know if this one is clean enough but here goes
why do women paratroopers where jockstraps?
to keep there lips from flapping

also
why do women have 2 sets of lips?
so they can piss and moan at the same time

no offence to any ladys

One
Big
Ass
Mistake
America

I guess it's not so much a joke, but more truth, sorry for the mix up.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .... .......












"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."


http://img11.imageshack.us/img11/7487/cornflakes.png

For St. Patricks Day.
 

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day they had each walked across the lake to a pub on the far
side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick took a boat
out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped out of the boat ...and nearly
drowned!
His pal Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked 'It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the
lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?'

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your
father, grandfather and great-grandfather were all born in December when the
lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya block head.'

Solution to the problem in Libya :

They want a new Muslim leader, I say, give them ours.


Solves two problems.

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had
all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"

The Arrogance of Authority
 

The Arrogance of Authority



A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

(I just love this part....)

"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.


While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.


Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.


Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.


The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

Good one!!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:



Mark

Last night 2 cops showed up at my door. One was holding a picture. He asked me is this your wife? I said yes it was. He then stated i am sorry to say but it looks like she has been hit by a bus. So i said i know but she has a great personality and is good with the kids..................

:lol: :lol: My wife wants this one to switch around. :shock: :oops:

During his first three years of marriage, Frank — a big DIYer — tackled several huge home-improvement projects. At first, Frank's wife Pat loved how their house had shaped up beautifully and without a great deal of cost.

But Pat gradually realized she was lonely and increasingly frustrated that she had, in effect, lost her man to his passion for projects. After Frank forgot their fourth anniversary, Pat announced that she had enrolled them in a Marriage Weekend.

During the weekend, Frank tried to listen to the instructor, but Pat noticed that he'd often nod off or doodle on project plans on the back of his handouts. "It's essential," said the instructor, "that spouses know what's important to each other. So men, can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Frank leaned over, touched Pat's arm gently and whispered, "Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn't it?"

Thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

what kind of cans are in mexico?

Mexicans

If you worked in an office with Chuck Norris would you have the guts to ask him for his "3-hole punch"?

What's the difference do loop until a = 127
and do loop until 127 = a ?

The Need For Speed....

Huh?

I check this thread every day for an answer...its worrying the $%*& outta me but i am also very easily amused

Talking Pet Centipede
 

The Talking Centipede
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use as his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me?"
This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time!
I'm putting my shoes on!"

This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said,
“Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.”

So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color and race, unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddy’s are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes
to qualify.

My dogs get their first checks Friday.

Damn, is this a great country or what?
:D :D :D :D :D

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

DD, that was GREAT

Go to page 25.

http://www.stat.berkeley.edu/classes/s100/sas.pdf

HUH ?

:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

i quess thst what they call ROCKET SCIENCE LOL

Everybody knows loop always = 127 from the certipoint (a) to thrust extension.
Easy one :o

yea, what the hells wrong with the rest of you guys lol

The best caliber for self defense....
 

On Bud's Gun Shop Forums the question came up: What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself? The best answer:

My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22 short. Over all the years I've been hiking I never leave without it in my pocket. Of course we all know too the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System". For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend or companion, even an in-law, that way if something happens there is someone to go get help.
I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in northern Alberta . Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs. Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I'd sure not be here today. Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace.
That's one of the best pistols in my safe... :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

Now DD, that is just plain funny!!! :D

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

A TOUCHING CHRISTMAS STORY A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. Walking through the mall the surprised wife look up and noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do. She used her cell phone to call her husban...d because she was so upset, to ask him where he was. The husband in a calm voice said, honey remember the jewlery store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day. His wife said crying, yes I remember that jewlery store. He said, well I'm in the bar next to it

Congress
 

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100
million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in
gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting
donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon :shock: ."

:shock: :shock: 8) 8)