A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She
> notice the man opposite her was smiling at her. She
> immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile
> turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man
> seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man
> burst out laughing she complained to the driver and he
> had the man arrested.
>
> The case came up in court.
>
> The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he
> had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your
> Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus,
> I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat
> down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins
> are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat
> under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will
> reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she
> placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
> 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could
> hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She
> moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
> 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this
> Accident'... I just lost it.'
>
> CASE DISMISSED! :lol:

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I
> heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make
> sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single
> wire along the top of the fence.
>
> Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26
> miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet
> into the ground. The ground rod is the key, the more you have in the
> ground, the better the fence works.
>
>
> One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push
> mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact
> that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and
> reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
>
> It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all...
>
> Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and
> the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is
> about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow
> on fire on the cover.
>
> Time stood still.
>
> The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of
> my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition
> firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton
> rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with
> the engine.
>
> It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were
> fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
>
> Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to
> differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
> different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
> bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and
> BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were
> minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like
> exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
>
> At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the
> fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go.
> I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always
> had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were
> like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
>
> This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting
> signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this
> point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the
> lawnmower runs out of gas.
>
>
>
>
> 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
>
> Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
> run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered
> in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh please die...
> Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely
> and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go
> command from its owner's right foot.
>
> I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on
> the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was
> later on in the day and I was sunburned.
>
> There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then
> another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the
> ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the
> resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
>
> Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
>
> 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
>
> 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
> (not the left, just the right).
>
> 3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you
> might think.
>
> 4- My left eye will not open.
>
> 5- My right eye will not close.
>
> 6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little
> session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better
> than new after that.
>
> 7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
>
> 8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the
> number 4 (still don't understand this???).
>
> That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
> appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
> sure the fence is unplugged before I mow....
>
> The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can
> clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me
> a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check
> before I mow

Just a Tap on the Shoulder
 

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase 'You Gotta Be Chitin Me'?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father Of Our Country, way back when George Washington was
crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 in Washington's boat.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters
and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.

Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail.

All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal
had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted.

He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said,
'General, I see lights ahead.'

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of “Ill Repute”, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise
stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have
come to the right place.. We can surely give you warmth and comfort.
How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be chitin me.'

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8.. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27... attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring alcohol

3. And her friend :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ' pullets, ' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. John ' s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch ' s bell hadn ' t rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To John ' s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak,so it couldn ' t ring. He ' d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren ' t paying attention.

Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.

Excellent :lol: :lol: :lol:

After I retired, my wife Pat insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Walmart . Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like
most women - she loves to browse..

Today my dear wife received the following letter from our local
Target.

Dear Mrs. Meeker

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.
Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3.. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows
and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were
called..

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 12: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through,yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 14: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 18: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One
of the clerks passed out.