An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan." This
is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot
tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I
want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and
this Christian Family.'

No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face
me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and
in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your
transgression.' Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop
traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible
misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux
Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard
under the sheets.'

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation
roared.

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A Republican Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?

When you're from the country ~ you look at things a little differently...


A Mississippi rancher got into his pickup truck, drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door.
A young boy, about 9 years old, opened the door.
"Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."


"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"


"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Pa."


"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"


"No sir, He went with Mom and Pa."


The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.


"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Pa."


"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'


The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely. :shock: :oops: :oops: :D :D :D :D

Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?




Because if they fell forward, they would still be in the boat. :roll: :lol:

Murphy's wife borrowed his car and parked in the supermarket car park. Just as she came out laden with shopping, she saw a young lad break into the car, hot wire it and drive off. Naturally she reported the matter to the police.' What did he look like?, the sergeant asked. 'I don't know she replied, but I got the licence plate'.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Speaker Pelosi. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?

Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."

I'm not very good at this, unless i'm reminded of jokes while everyone is telling them.
But i'll give it a try.

This young couple living together, and the boyfriend has to work on sat. morning, so the girlfriend decides to go to some yard sales. At one yard sale she spys a beautiful bathroom door mirrow. She approaches the lady who having the yard sale and the lady tells her it's a very special mirrow, and magic. They agree on a price of $20.00 and the young girl takes it home and hangs it on the bathroom door. It being a particularly hot humid day she decides to take a shower before the boyfriend gets home from work.
No believing any of the magic stuff, but she decides to try it out. So she stands nekid in front of the mirrow and says mirrow,mirrow on the door make my boobs 44, low and behold her boobs started growing to the full 44"s. WoW! this was exciting. She was so excited that after her shower she decide to sit on the living room couch with her top off until her boyfriend comes home. He walks in the door and is amazed at what he sees. WoW where did those come from, she goes on to explain the mirrow purchase and explains how she ask for the large boobs. He says wow i gotta try that. So he strips down nekid and goes to the bathroom and stands in front of the mirrow. He says mirrow,mirrow on the door make my pecker touch the floor, his legs starts getting shorter and shorter :o

Zip.

mayby thats what happening to me , I have went down two inchs on the inseam , :lol:

This is not a joke. It's the truth, but still funny!!! LOL

http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t...nExplained.jpg

Todd I thought you and DD would like this one.

http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t...scan0001-1.jpg

What other forums are saying.............
Bentley Forums - - - I used the ash tray today. How do I replace it?

Camaro/Firebird Forums - - - My girl slept with my brother and my wife.
How can I kill 'em? (btw, I have a record and I ain't going back.)

Mustang Forums - - - Some punk kid in a Civic tried to race me.

Civic Forums - - - Some punk kid in a Mustang tried to race me.

Yugo Forum (Yugos only rate one Forum) - - - When's the last time yours ran?

Lamborghini Forums - - - Annoying wind noise around 210MPH...

Miata Forums - - - Some jackass in a Yukon just ran over my car. (pics)

GMC Yukon Forums - - - Miata stuck in my undercarriage. How do I safely
remove it? (pics)

BMW 7-series Forums - - - Where do I go to get my Rolex serviced?

Cadillac Forums - - - Problems parallel parking at bingo.

Ford Excursion Forums - - - Is the price of gas going down anytime soon? I'm
thinking about buying an oilwell.

Buick Forums - - - Which is better? Medicare or Medicaid?

Crown Victoria Forums - - - How come people never drive faster than 55
on the
highway?

Honda Accord Forums - - - Mom is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap,
used 18 inch wheels.

Toyota Echo Forums - - - Do our cars use Double A's or Triple A's?

Ferrari Forums - - - Need suggestions about a business trip to Colombia.
Want to get in and out fast.

Saturn Forums - - - Cigarette landed on my fender. Fender melted and need to
replace.

Mini Forums - - - Just flipped the Cooper after watching The Italian
Job. Suing the movie company. (pics)

Dodge Viper Forums - - - I floored-it on the way home from work
yesterday. How to get pee stains out of the leather?

McLaren F1 Forums - - - Some punk in a jet tried to race me.

Dodge Minivan Forums - - - Where's the best place to post the soccer
schedule so I don't forget where I'm supposed to be?

Hummer Forums - - - Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have
to get the touch-up paint from the Dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's $35 in
gas.

Fiat Forum - - - Hello? Hello? Am I the only one here? (Might be
combined with Yugo Forum in the future).

fiero forum : check out my new fire suit (pics)

Subaru WRX Forums - - - Got ticketed for drifting in the Walmart parking
lot.

SRT Forums - - - "Will this void my warranty"

GNX Forums - - - Transmission Groupbuy full! Stop PM'ing me!!!

NSX Forums - - - Head to big to fit in car, should have bought a Targa.

Z06 Forums - - - Why did I pay $50k for something with a Cavalier
steering wheel?

Mopar Forums - - - Help! I've replaced everything and it still won't start!

Circle Track Mini Stock Racer's Forums - - - Those darn Formula
Continental and Sports Racers have used up all of the 2.0 Ford Pinto engines!

Formula and Sports Racer's Forums - - - Those darn Mini-Stock racers
have used up all of the 2.0 Ford Pinto engines!

Silver Crown Forums - - - Do you suppose we can race at Indy with the
new car?

Indy Forums - - - Do you suppose Tony will allow front engine open-wheel
cars at Indy?

Corvette Forum: I don't know... you'll have to ask my mechanic.

RX-7 Forums: I blew the Apex Seals in my engine....again

Aston Martin forum - My battery died whilst being delivered to my house from the showroom. How do I get in?

Escalade Forums: Where do I find a platinum grill encrusted with diamonds, FOR MY MOUTH????

Tri-5 Chevy Forums: Someone customized a 57 Chevy with non-chevy parts instead of restoring it,,,,,should we KILL HIM????

Vintage Vette Forums: I have a 1969 windshield wiper motor for sale, $50,000 obo. (buyer must arrange shipping).

Late 70's / early 80's Trans Am Forums: My girl has been spending too much time at the METH DEALER'S TRAILER, what should I do?

Chevy HHR forum- "man....I trashed a PT Cruiser getting on the freeway"

PT Cruiser Forum- "I let a Chevy HHR go by me on an onramp...I
wasn't even on the gas"

Florida Cadillac/Lincoln Forum: How do I keep the left turn signal from self-cancelling??

Buick Forum: Fedora, or Derby??

Studebaker Forum: You will NOT believe where I found rust today!?!?!

BMW M/C Forum: I have to remove HOW MUCH plastic to change my oil?!?!?!

Ducati Bevel drive Forum: Shims more shims howmany shimswhereohmygodmoreshims blublublub

Citroën 2CV Forum: If I get asked ONE MORE TIME if it's a kit car, I'm gonna....

In the 90s
 

In the 90s we had Clinton... we also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have Obama... and no hope and no cash!

Stopped by the Toyota Dealership yesterday for a look at the new Tacoma . Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct...


The salesman (wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.


The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.


Feeling like messing with his mind, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.


Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.

I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership........damn guy had no sense of humor.

Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door..

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis ' 3:10".

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked'

Irish vs. The French!
 

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.



'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'


'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'



'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'



Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'



'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'



Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'



'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'



Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'



'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'



Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'



Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'



'Jesus, Mary , and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'



Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'



'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'



'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no f****n' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

Re: from the government.
 

Ford = Farmers otta ride donkeys

fagot on raw dick

Cracked
Heads
Every
Valve
Rattles
Oil
Leaks
Every
Time

Drips
Oil
Drops
Grease
Everywhere

and just so we don't leave the ricers out

How
Odd
No
Damn
Acceleration

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease.

The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim.

It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em," and it is a terrible obamanation.

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior.

Many victims contracted it in 2008 after yelling

"Yes, We Can"

...but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years,
are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.

It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured
with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout.

You take the first dose in 2010 and the second dose in 2012

and simply don't engage in risky behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.

Several states are already on top of this, like Virginia and New Jersey ,

and apparently now Massachusetts, with many more seeing the writing on the wall.

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom,
had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they
could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the
congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every
move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed
a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together
the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold
it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed
uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom
is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum
should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The
pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He
said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I
just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

Man I was reading that one slow and had to take a deep breath just thinking about it. Glad Tom is OK! lol

Pastor's Donkey
 

-Subject: Pastor's Donkey

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race
again and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get rid
of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier
and
live longer!

Have
a nice day!

Words to live by... good one Lively.

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps…He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did… and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. “Now….. show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,” he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. “Now. Tell him you have a headache

That is awesome!!!!!! And so true

Three guys walked into a bar............................................... .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ...........................The forth one ducked

"DEFECTIVE STAMPS"
Stamp Malfunction

The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it. The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the glue.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give you all of your energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legsgot wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...
The ass hole is usually in charge

Three nuns were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat came by and flashed them. The first two nuns had a stroke the third couldn't reach.

Speaking of Nun's, God bless 'em....


A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that -
1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!"

two drunk guys are walking down the road when they see a dog laying in a yard licking it self. the first guy says i wish i could do that. the second guy looks at the dog then sez to his buddy " i think you better pet him first"

Bad Parrot
 

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The
parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious
and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
parrot got angrier and even more rude. John , in desperation,
threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for
over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John 's outstretched arms and said "I believe I
may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my
inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very
softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"


HAPPY THANKSGIVING (Early)

Rodeo Wisdom
 

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times lasts year." They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husbands ribs, said "That's once a day. You could really learn something from this one. "The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a complete recovery.

Two Garbage Bags
 

Two Garbage Bags
>
>A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage
>bags behind her.


One of the bags rips, and every once in a while
>a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
>Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says,
>"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
>
>"Oh, really? Darn," says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and
>see if I can find them.


Thanks for telling me..."
>"
>Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?


You didn't steal it, did you?"
>
>"Oh, no,' says the little old lady. You see, my back yard is
>right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days,
>a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower
>garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers.
>Each time some guy sticks his "whizz" through the fence, I grab it and I say,
>'$20 or off it comes!'"
>
>"OK, that seems only fair," laughs the cop. "So, good luck.
>Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
>
>"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in
the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an Old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first
the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his
shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall
down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing
both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt
underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and
hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,"What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously
embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'." :oops: :shock:

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought her a bouquet of flowers. The
candy-store owner's daughter gave her a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a
drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Is it Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy, "It's a puppy!"