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Thread: the all american chili cook-off 'judge'

  1. #1
    Junior Member APPRENTICE
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    Oct 2007
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    the all american chili cook-off 'judge'

    Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards from the event:
    Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
    CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

    Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

    JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

    Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
    CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

    Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled--it's kinda cute.

    Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

    Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
    CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

    Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am a bit worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
    CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

    Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

    JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
    JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    CAMERON: Momma?
    gas is on the right
    brakes are for p#ssy's

  2. #2
    Senior Member MASTER BUILDER
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Wisconsin cheesehead!!
    Posts
    213
    Close to yours above but a few funny differances:

    For those of you who have lived in Wisconsin (the frozen tundra), you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Packers start their season. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at Lambeau Field.

    The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Wisconsin from the East Coast:

    Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    _Chili #1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)_

    Judge #1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

    Judge #2 Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

    Judge #3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Wisc'ies are crazy!!

    ______________________________

    _Chili #2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)_

    Judge #1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

    Judge #2 Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

    Judge #3 (Frank) Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

    ______________________________

    _Chili #3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)_

    Judge #1 Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

    Judge #2 A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

    Judge #3 (Frank) Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
    feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer!

    ______________________________

    _Chili #4 (Bubba's Black Magic)_

    Judge #1 Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    Judge #2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    Judge #3 (Frank) I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. b***h is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    ______________________________

    _Chili #5 (Laura's Legal Lip Remover)_

    Judge #1 Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

    Judge #2 Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    Judge #3 (Frank) My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

    ______________________________

    _Chili #6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)_

    Judge #1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

    Judge #2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

    Judge #3 (Frank) I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

    ______________________________

    _Chili #7 (Sandra's Screaming Sensation Chili)_

    Judge #1 A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    Judge #2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

    Judge #3 (Frank) You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.

    I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    ______________________________

    _Chili #8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)_

    Judge #1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

    Judge #2 This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
    1987 Pontiac Fiero GT
    418ci SBC v8, manual 5-speed.
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